J for Jealous...

So jealous. O so freaken jealous. This group of gals I know.  They seem to have everything. Here's their life in a nutshell...
-SAHMs and very happy about it.
-Weekly lunches with GFs, sometimes twice.
-Bi-monthly mani-pedis
-Activities for the day- organizing play dates, traveling/hiking mid week, baking
-Weekends-Parties

-Parties-Invites from the rich and famous

-Invites- Theme party that includes napkins and silverware matching the theme too.
-Dress code- Specifically bought outfit to go with the theme.
-Greeting- the 3 Muahs
-Kids say- Namasthe and Thank you
-Other Weekends-Clubbing and bar hopping

*****Now lets compare that to my life******

-WMAOM (work my ass off mom) and very happy about it.
-Weekly bitching with GFs, sometimes always daily.
-Activities for the day- work, ordering kids around to clean up, travels (in the car) to swim/gym/paino lessons, baking re-heating food in microwave.
-Weekends-Parties.. Chilling out with people I adore.
-Parties- Impropmtu invites from my Soulmates
- Invites- Always personal. Conversation goes like this..
Soulmate: hey
Me: hey
Soulmate: whats up?
Me: Don't know what I should make for dinner.
Soulmate: I have spaghetti sauce from last week and uncooked spaghetti
Me: I have cheese and can get garlic bread.
Soulmate: I have some chicken links we can throw in there.
Me: Should we ask other Soulmate to get some wine
Soulmate: Yup
Me: My house?
Soulmate: No her's, its been 3 days we haven't been there.
Me: OK
Soulmate: OK, I'll let other soulmate know we will be there in 1 hour, this will give her enough time to chill the wine.
ME: Chal bye. Milthe hain.

- Dress Code- old XL T shirt and yoga pants/ jammies. No one bats an eyelid.
- Greeting- "गधा, इतना लेट क्यूं आया?" (Donkey, why did you come so late?), or "उल्लू, खाना साइड में रख और २ ग्लास फटाफट मार्के आ, हमलोग काफी टुन्न है already."( Idiot, put whatever you brought to the side and drink up 2 glasses quickly since we are already high)
- Kids say: Can I stay over? Can my friend come over?
-Other weekends: Clubbing...uhh, Costco or Sam's Club-bing!

Now, you see why THEY are sooo Jealous?

Till death do us part....

This year a friend is hosting the Christmas party with an international potluck theme. I sent her a note saying that I may have people visiting that day and would like to sign up for dessert-which she mentioned in her signup email to all of us. VD-ya goes and right royally signs up for walnut cake and sugar cookies. So I respond to the sign up sheet saying I'll get pasta and send it through some one if I can't make it on time, and also add a comment about VD-ya's "reading skills". 3.7 seconds later VD-ya calls me apologizing, justifying, trying to switch back blah blah. (I don't know why she fears me or thinks she needs to appease the goddess in me-I don't scare you, do I?)
Conversation:
Me: It's ok.
VD-ya : No, I can get the pasta, you make the dessert.
Me: It doesn't matter, I have ingredients for either and don't feel like changing again.
VD-ya : Ok, but if you feel like changing, just let me know and we can swap.
Me: Ya, whatever.
VD-ya : Itna daratha hai tu mereko...You won't let me die in peace too, will you? You may be the one haunting me, not the other way around.
Me: When will you die? It better not be in December..too many parties plus my bday. I ain't ruining them for your shok sabha.
VD-ya : Kamina! So then Jan. is ok? after New Year party?
Me: No, Mu-man's bday ,Valentines day, Spring break, Sand's bday, Shaant's bday....Umm.. How about June 1st week? We can be sad for a couple of weeks and then we need to plan for a vacation during 4th of July weekend.

Dial tone......
Whaaa!!!

Of donkeys and mules

I guess I say "ass" a lot. So, Shaant said I would have to pay a nickel everytime her Papa and me swore. I asked, "To who?"
She didn't know, so she shut up.
Mu-man gave me a Hi-five!!

*****************************************************
Conversation:
Me (watching TV): Stupid ass, cannot even say his dialogues right!
Shaant: A nickel, amma.
Me (completely ignoring her): Stupid show.
Shaant: That's a nickel too.
Sanj: Akka, we'll be millionaires if we collect a nickel for every word.
Sanj: Amma, what's another word for donkey?
Me: Ass
Shaant: Nickel!!
Me: Smart ass.
Shaant n Sanj: Nickel!!
Me: O shut up.
Shaant n Sanj: NICKLE!!
Me : *$#*$!! Here's a blank cheque!

Fantasies....

Saw some bucket lists and got inspired. Mine are just pure fantasies coz I ain't kicking the bucket anytime soon. I laugh too much for that crap to happen to me this early. I don't have any "achievements" kinda list...things just sorta happen to me and I go with the flow. I don't think I'll do much to achieve the list below too, but if it does happen, I have a place to come and check. So, here goes...

1. I want to have an affair (not the sexual kind) but the sparks-flying-off-in-the-tensed-room kind. (for real, not just in my head with XXX).
2. I want to win an award and give a speech. (for real, not in front of the mirror)
3. I want to be able to sing my favorite ghazals (for real, not in the bathroom)
4. I want to be on stage-dance/drama-Umrao Jaan related. (for now I practice the Salaam everyday)
5. I want to be thin and wear white linen/cotton dresses. (HA!)
6. I want to move to Kuaui, Hawaii and start a Bed and Breakfast place. (Oooh!)
7. I want to live alone for a couple of months. (but not have do any tax crap)
8. I want to be a licensed masseuse. (if someone sponsors me)
9. I want to live close to my loved ones even after the gals have flown the nest. (cul-de-sac, Sand?)
10. I want to give away everything I have slowly and live a minimalistic lifestyle. (only after I turn 70, ok?)
11. I want my gals to be good human beings. (Thank God for Mu Man's strong genes)
12. I want to see the Mu-man relaxed and at peace. (Then I can die peacefully)

To be contd.....

You know you are in trouble when....

1. You smile and your cheeks block half the view by partially (or fully) covering your eyes. (Come on, I ain't looking, try it, try it).

2. You fit into a Medium sized jacket happily and then realize, the damn thing was pulled from the Maternity rack.

3. Your daily routine includes powdering your tummy tires to avoid chaffing.

4. You don't need a pedicure but you get it done anyway, coz you can't reach your toe nails without having to adjust 50 million times while clipping them.

5. Your kids laying on you reminds you of the scene in Jurassic Park where she lays her head on the sick dino's belly-moving up and down with the breathing.

6. You never fear that your boobs will reach your knees someday.. because the belly will act as a HURDLE!

7. Walking to the vending machine is your "activity" for the day.

8. Walking from the parking lot to destination (usually work) knowing you are a lil late, is your cardio for the day.

9. Your other half calls you Xena-warrior princess, not because you are sexy but because your bra now looks like her armor!

10. Body parts resemble food-pizza dough tummy, jello jiggle, donut butt-basically anything soft and fluffy.

11. You don't think "Yo mama's so fat-" jokes are funny coz they really apply to you.

12. You google to check if Somalia has opened doors to a Fat donation center yet and are first on their list of donors in any case. (Your VISA is ready and you have an open ticket to the place).

Guys, I think it's time for me to smoke, err eat grass ......

How many times a week?

The question, "How many times a week do you do it?" always gets me. 'Week'? Seriously, that's the new rage these days? 'Week'?
Let me sum it up in 2 sentences...
1. We have 2 gals who are in some activity or the other every day of the week, that does not end until 8pm.
2. We wake up before 6am every day and our busy busy days don't end till 10 pm.

Which means...
1. We qualify big time for any kind of leisure activity and relaxation.
2. We have enough time after 10pm.
3. We are young, healthy and fairly energetic.

So, next time ask me," How many times a day?" and stop insulting me by using the word "week" for heavens sake!! If in doubt, come see my face... I don't wear make-up, its the natural blush!

She knows what she wants...

I have my Mamama's (maternal grandma) genes. I love my people and enjoy talking. I know what I want and will be pretty animated about stuff I am not interested in. I get bored very easily and have a sharp tongue when samne wala doesnt have the brains to read my body language. I think I can enact my Mamama better with actions than words but I want to capture her and everything she stands for. Some random memories when I think "Mamama".

-She hardly ever told us stories

But she reads these Kannada magazines while she dozes off a lil on lazy afternoons and shares her opinions and some funny cartoons to shut us up from bothering her.

-No hugs or kisses or excitement to see us

But everytime I sit by her and hug her, she first pushes me away saying, " You are not a kid anymore, stop kissing me." And then squeezes me hand saying,"Its been so long since I saw you."

-Most gifts given to her are accepted with a ton of skepticism and an expression that said it all.

But these days she asks for "Efferdent" for her dentures and is very grateful that thats all I will send and "not waste my husband's money on her".

-No major show of gift giving or hand made woollens like grandmas make.

But every year for our birthdays my younger sister and I got dark colored nighties because she claimed we were tomboys and didnt care where we sat and always had some patch or the other on our butts and the dark nighty would "conceal" it. My goody 2 shoes older sister got the peaches, whites and pretty ones coz she was O so perfect.(She still sends them to me every time my Amma visits).

- She played favorites among the grandkids and only had a nick name for our oldest sister. The rest of us were "keelluh" (critters).

But everytime I visited, all my favorites were cooked. I mean ALL of them. There was no loving way of serving it, but I was amazed how she remembered each one our favorite foods. If the other cousin's visited with me, all of their favorites were made too.

-No conversations revolving wisdom or advice.

Most of our conversations are around when she will die! Now, now, I'm not that bad (OK, I know I am, but hear me out...)

I ask her to come over and she says,"I'm too old to travel and dont care to visit a foreign country so much. Your Ajja would have loved it if he was still alive. He should have lived and I should have died.".......Now, tell me how can I let this go, so I play along and say,"That's soo true. It would have been great with him. So when are you planning on dying?" So now everytime I call her, she makes sure she starts off with," Hello, I'm still alive!! Anikai marni!"--(havent died yet).

-Makes any special occassion a nightmare because we have to pick a Sari for her. And she will only wear darker shades of black, maroon, brown, maroonish-brown, blackish-brown, brownish-black and brownish-maroon!! No lines, no stripes, no similar patterns that will make her nauseous, no patli pallu, no belgaum sari, no blouse piece included, no bird patterns (Her words,"aiiio Moru (peacock), aiio Keeru (parrot))", generally saris given by extended family are discarded without even looking at because she thinks they themselves are too ugly and wear ugly-ass Saris, how can they pick something decent for her!

But she makes sure she PROUDLY tells everyone that the Sari she's wearing was given to her by one of us.

I love it...and her a little bit.

The Coming...that came!

O ya, I noticed how fast you clicked the mouse to read the story of "coming".

But truly it was much anticipated, longed for, waited for with bated breath. Something had happened to me and I was contemplating to go seek professional help too. It made me irritated and angry and no fun to be around. I tried relaxing, having a couple of glasses of wine (all that did was take the frustration off a little bit), talked to Mu-man at length about it. He tried different techiniques and tried to relax me and as you know for most women, its all in the head and based on my previous posts, you know the crap that goes on in my head! I thought this was it. No more for me, I was done before hitting 40! More depression.

And then, at a party a few weeks ago, someone mentioned Alex and how good Alex was and how Alex was soo satisfying. So, Mu man actually hunted down Alex's number and said, " Go for it, I dont care how expensive Alex is, but I want your old self back. I need you, the kids need you." I never thought I would need help on this front but knew better than to pass up a chance like this.

Alex came over Sunday morning with her sister Maria and mom Anna and cleaned my house.

I think I just... "arrived".

Was just born this way....

...The previous post had me thinking about when I not only turned into a meanie but became so proud of it too. My Ma said I was the sweetest thing and openly gave and was generous and considerate. I guess eventually puberty decided to say "Get Real!"
Some memories....
-Ms. Dandapani who lived a couple buildings from me in Bombay. We teased her "thanda pani (cold water)" and then I added " thanda pani garam pani" (cold water-hot water) to make it rhyme and then again I added "you dont pay your electricty bills, so you dont have hot water and now your name is Thandapani!!!" I soon got bored of it and realised that she was getting plump and her eyes were big almost to the point of bulging. So, Nish and me decided to call her Moti Billi (fat cat). Soon the entire area was calling her MotiBilli Thanda Pani!! Nish, what's her real name, ya?

-Kunj and me were always on the plumper side and there was this guy named Sanjay who had no business talking to us but decided to come over and call us Moti (fat). We ignored it a few times but then realized he just wouldnt stop. He was Albino and we were nice to him before this. After 2-3 times of being called Moti, we decided to call him American Sanjay! politically, soooo incorrect, na? .. but HE started it!!

-Nish thought neighboring building ka Susila (actually we dont know her name but there were a couple of Susila's in that building, so we named every girl that walked out of that place 'Susila')... Anyway, she thought Susila had stolen their Tulsi plant. So the 2 of us decided to hide behind buildings and trees everytime she was around and say " Tulsi Chor" (thief of the tulsi plant) in the most ghost like voice.. it was supposed to be her conscience!! This went on for years. I did it again about 4 years ago when I went back to Bombay. Though I was alone I hid behind a truck , tucking shaant and sanj behind me and making it all come back for her!! :P evil.. pure evil!!

I wish I could show my gleaming eyes!!

Head full of crap...

..the kinda crap that makes me feel alive and kicking. I dont think its wrong. I'm done hiding and pretending about these thoughts and deeds. Here's a sneak peek into my head...

-At work I have a fake cigarette that emits a "smoke", I take it into meetings..

-I do mental pee races with guys. I enter the ladies room as they enter the guys' restroom and race them out.. I have smiled at some of them too. And they know they got beat by a girl.

- I make up movie/comedy scenes in my head..here's one

Patient to Shrink: I am very judgemental and hate myself at the end of the day
Shrink: Ok, I'll show you some random things and you tell me what the first thought in your mind is.
(looking around, finds her purse, opens it up and displays the contents to patient.. one of which is a pack of condoms).
Patient instantly: SLUT!
Shrink: Relax, take some time and think about it. In this day and age when diseases are rampant, dont you think its a good idea that I'm keeping the condom handy?
Patient thinks and nods: Safe SLUT!

This is the kind of crap that plays in my head constantly. I made this up right now (looking around and seeing one lonely condom in my purse)!

- I went with my buddy, Trav from work to Costco during lunchtime and wanted to finish my shopping first, while he wanted to pig out on the free samples. We argued, he wouldnt listen, so I made him.
I screamed, "No, Trav. I cannot marry you, I won't accept that ring, NO NO NO." Trav followed me quietly like a puppy dog.

- Made some kheer-prasad for a good Jain (vegeterian and non-alcohol drinking) friend BUT didn't tell her it was made of rice and Bailey's Irish creme and fed it to her. (I'm surprised she didn't kill me later when her speech got slurry).

- I talk to people in their own accents. (I can't help it, it sounds like I'm mocking them, but it actually comes out naturally).

- I told this to the maid who came to "see" my house and give me a quote but ended up wrinkling her nose and saying "O God" so many times.
"That's why you are the maid and have to do the dirty job while I get my nails done".

Not so bad, huh? But pretty crappy, I say...

Absolutely not my work...

I could not let this one go. If I need this, I think everyone deserves it too, especially on a Friday. I can't take credit for it at all except that I found it...real funny stuff.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays?max_id=3608037327&page=2&twttr=true

Actions speak....

No one says he/she loves me!!!
I have felt this for years and have constantly moaned about it. Yesterday, made a dent in that.
I got laid off! And of course, the first thing I thought about was "These guys don't love me".
I called Mu-man and as soon as he heard me, he told someone in the meeting he was attending, "Guys, I gotta go!" 10 minutes later he was by my side, feeding me fish tacos (food is the solution to all problems, drinks too), and making it all go away.
I spoke to my best boy friend, Ra who he offered to be with me, take me to Tilted Kilt for some beer and chat with me. Later he left me a VM recording of "Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi me koi...." He stopped by and called a couple more times to make sure I was OK. ( or maybe to make sure I wasn't drinking without him).
My best girl friend, Sandy, said the right words, offered to help clean up my resume, talked to me like she was going through it, knew my pains and basically was right there.
Ann, my life.. one who I may marry one day, told me how it was great news and this just meant I needed to do what I was born to do..work with people, be with people and just basically find a job that was around and about people.
VD-ya confirmed her faith in me.
Mani-da called and sighed and then we laughed, Aashe sent such a supportive email...
Vicki sent me 4 leads and tons of wise words that I will always cherish. Lex texted and bitched with me, Cloud sent practical details of what I should do, my manager who had no clue about the lay off, called and offered to be a reference whenever needed. The calls, emails, FB notes are pouring in...(God help my family when I die).
BUT.......
No one said I LOVE YOU....everyone showed me how much.

To quote Jerry Maguire..." You complete me."
Thank you for being you, guys.

I found some one who could shut me up!

So, I had a chat with Shaant on periods. I explained with a straight face what happens, how often, for how long etc. She patiently listened to me and asked me why it happens.
Me: Coz its nature's way of getting you ready to have babies.
Shaant: Since I know I don't want babies, can I maaf this? (my baby has started using my lingo!!)

Then I went on to explain the emotional changes she will go through and that Amma will probably be her best friend and talk her through most issues and that she could share anything with me.
Shaant: I do have something I feel I should share with you.
Me: OK, whats up?
Shaant: No, maybe not.
Me (heart pounding): No, its OK. Lets try this one.
Shaant (slowly): I really really feel it in my heart that I should get the latest Nintendo DS-I!!

I just full-stopped at that. Period gaya khadde me.

Amma, I'm gay!

Sanj, my 7 year old cuddled-up to me, gave me a hug and said, "Amma, I love you. I'm gay."

FLASHBACK.......

Every show we had been watching on TV had reference to homosexuality and everytime someone said "gay", the gals would ask me what that meant. For over 2 years, I explained it as "happy". A few months ago, my almost 9 year old wouldn't take "happy" for an answer.
She insisted.
I cringed and gave in.
I kept it as "high-level" as I could and muttered something about "when men like men and women like women....."

I owe the above statement by Sanj to my explanation.
(POP!!.. that was another gay..oops grey hair!)

Viagra -Part 2

OK, that wasn't the whole truth. Here's the real deal...the what I said and what I meant version of it.

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. TRUE

I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. COZ I COULDNT FIT INTO MOST OF THEM!

I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I ONLY HAVE 2 MOVES THAT I COPIED FROM THE OTHER GALS.

I knew who I would make out with I HAVE A LIST OF 'EM.. NOT SO SURE IF IT WOULD BE 2-WAY

and who I would end up with. THE MU-MAN.. WHO AM I KIDDING!

I picked up my favorite booze. WHICH COULD BE ANY OF THEM, DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A PREFERENCE.

I ate nothing. YA, RIGHT!!

I started with a shot. TRUE ....AND A MARGARITA.. IN EACH HAND

I danced to spread the fluid all over. TRUE

I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. TRUE

No "high" this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi?? TRUE

Viagra?

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I knew who I would make out with and who I would end up with.
I picked up my favorite booze. I ate nothing. I started with a shot. I danced to spread the fluid all over. I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. No high this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi??