You know you are in trouble when....

1. You smile and your cheeks block half the view by partially (or fully) covering your eyes. (Come on, I ain't looking, try it, try it).

2. You fit into a Medium sized jacket happily and then realize, the damn thing was pulled from the Maternity rack.

3. Your daily routine includes powdering your tummy tires to avoid chaffing.

4. You don't need a pedicure but you get it done anyway, coz you can't reach your toe nails without having to adjust 50 million times while clipping them.

5. Your kids laying on you reminds you of the scene in Jurassic Park where she lays her head on the sick dino's belly-moving up and down with the breathing.

6. You never fear that your boobs will reach your knees someday.. because the belly will act as a HURDLE!

7. Walking to the vending machine is your "activity" for the day.

8. Walking from the parking lot to destination (usually work) knowing you are a lil late, is your cardio for the day.

9. Your other half calls you Xena-warrior princess, not because you are sexy but because your bra now looks like her armor!

10. Body parts resemble food-pizza dough tummy, jello jiggle, donut butt-basically anything soft and fluffy.

11. You don't think "Yo mama's so fat-" jokes are funny coz they really apply to you.

12. You google to check if Somalia has opened doors to a Fat donation center yet and are first on their list of donors in any case. (Your VISA is ready and you have an open ticket to the place).

Guys, I think it's time for me to smoke, err eat grass ......

How many times a week?

The question, "How many times a week do you do it?" always gets me. 'Week'? Seriously, that's the new rage these days? 'Week'?
Let me sum it up in 2 sentences...
1. We have 2 gals who are in some activity or the other every day of the week, that does not end until 8pm.
2. We wake up before 6am every day and our busy busy days don't end till 10 pm.

Which means...
1. We qualify big time for any kind of leisure activity and relaxation.
2. We have enough time after 10pm.
3. We are young, healthy and fairly energetic.

So, next time ask me," How many times a day?" and stop insulting me by using the word "week" for heavens sake!! If in doubt, come see my face... I don't wear make-up, its the natural blush!

She knows what she wants...

I have my Mamama's (maternal grandma) genes. I love my people and enjoy talking. I know what I want and will be pretty animated about stuff I am not interested in. I get bored very easily and have a sharp tongue when samne wala doesnt have the brains to read my body language. I think I can enact my Mamama better with actions than words but I want to capture her and everything she stands for. Some random memories when I think "Mamama".

-She hardly ever told us stories

But she reads these Kannada magazines while she dozes off a lil on lazy afternoons and shares her opinions and some funny cartoons to shut us up from bothering her.

-No hugs or kisses or excitement to see us

But everytime I sit by her and hug her, she first pushes me away saying, " You are not a kid anymore, stop kissing me." And then squeezes me hand saying,"Its been so long since I saw you."

-Most gifts given to her are accepted with a ton of skepticism and an expression that said it all.

But these days she asks for "Efferdent" for her dentures and is very grateful that thats all I will send and "not waste my husband's money on her".

-No major show of gift giving or hand made woollens like grandmas make.

But every year for our birthdays my younger sister and I got dark colored nighties because she claimed we were tomboys and didnt care where we sat and always had some patch or the other on our butts and the dark nighty would "conceal" it. My goody 2 shoes older sister got the peaches, whites and pretty ones coz she was O so perfect.(She still sends them to me every time my Amma visits).

- She played favorites among the grandkids and only had a nick name for our oldest sister. The rest of us were "keelluh" (critters).

But everytime I visited, all my favorites were cooked. I mean ALL of them. There was no loving way of serving it, but I was amazed how she remembered each one our favorite foods. If the other cousin's visited with me, all of their favorites were made too.

-No conversations revolving wisdom or advice.

Most of our conversations are around when she will die! Now, now, I'm not that bad (OK, I know I am, but hear me out...)

I ask her to come over and she says,"I'm too old to travel and dont care to visit a foreign country so much. Your Ajja would have loved it if he was still alive. He should have lived and I should have died.".......Now, tell me how can I let this go, so I play along and say,"That's soo true. It would have been great with him. So when are you planning on dying?" So now everytime I call her, she makes sure she starts off with," Hello, I'm still alive!! Anikai marni!"--(havent died yet).

-Makes any special occassion a nightmare because we have to pick a Sari for her. And she will only wear darker shades of black, maroon, brown, maroonish-brown, blackish-brown, brownish-black and brownish-maroon!! No lines, no stripes, no similar patterns that will make her nauseous, no patli pallu, no belgaum sari, no blouse piece included, no bird patterns (Her words,"aiiio Moru (peacock), aiio Keeru (parrot))", generally saris given by extended family are discarded without even looking at because she thinks they themselves are too ugly and wear ugly-ass Saris, how can they pick something decent for her!

But she makes sure she PROUDLY tells everyone that the Sari she's wearing was given to her by one of us.

I love it...and her a little bit.

The Coming...that came!

O ya, I noticed how fast you clicked the mouse to read the story of "coming".

But truly it was much anticipated, longed for, waited for with bated breath. Something had happened to me and I was contemplating to go seek professional help too. It made me irritated and angry and no fun to be around. I tried relaxing, having a couple of glasses of wine (all that did was take the frustration off a little bit), talked to Mu-man at length about it. He tried different techiniques and tried to relax me and as you know for most women, its all in the head and based on my previous posts, you know the crap that goes on in my head! I thought this was it. No more for me, I was done before hitting 40! More depression.

And then, at a party a few weeks ago, someone mentioned Alex and how good Alex was and how Alex was soo satisfying. So, Mu man actually hunted down Alex's number and said, " Go for it, I dont care how expensive Alex is, but I want your old self back. I need you, the kids need you." I never thought I would need help on this front but knew better than to pass up a chance like this.

Alex came over Sunday morning with her sister Maria and mom Anna and cleaned my house.

I think I just... "arrived".

Was just born this way....

...The previous post had me thinking about when I not only turned into a meanie but became so proud of it too. My Ma said I was the sweetest thing and openly gave and was generous and considerate. I guess eventually puberty decided to say "Get Real!"
Some memories....
-Ms. Dandapani who lived a couple buildings from me in Bombay. We teased her "thanda pani (cold water)" and then I added " thanda pani garam pani" (cold water-hot water) to make it rhyme and then again I added "you dont pay your electricty bills, so you dont have hot water and now your name is Thandapani!!!" I soon got bored of it and realised that she was getting plump and her eyes were big almost to the point of bulging. So, Nish and me decided to call her Moti Billi (fat cat). Soon the entire area was calling her MotiBilli Thanda Pani!! Nish, what's her real name, ya?

-Kunj and me were always on the plumper side and there was this guy named Sanjay who had no business talking to us but decided to come over and call us Moti (fat). We ignored it a few times but then realized he just wouldnt stop. He was Albino and we were nice to him before this. After 2-3 times of being called Moti, we decided to call him American Sanjay! politically, soooo incorrect, na? .. but HE started it!!

-Nish thought neighboring building ka Susila (actually we dont know her name but there were a couple of Susila's in that building, so we named every girl that walked out of that place 'Susila')... Anyway, she thought Susila had stolen their Tulsi plant. So the 2 of us decided to hide behind buildings and trees everytime she was around and say " Tulsi Chor" (thief of the tulsi plant) in the most ghost like voice.. it was supposed to be her conscience!! This went on for years. I did it again about 4 years ago when I went back to Bombay. Though I was alone I hid behind a truck , tucking shaant and sanj behind me and making it all come back for her!! :P evil.. pure evil!!

I wish I could show my gleaming eyes!!