J for Jealous...

So jealous. O so freaken jealous. This group of gals I know.  They seem to have everything. Here's their life in a nutshell...
-SAHMs and very happy about it.
-Weekly lunches with GFs, sometimes twice.
-Bi-monthly mani-pedis
-Activities for the day- organizing play dates, traveling/hiking mid week, baking
-Weekends-Parties

-Parties-Invites from the rich and famous

-Invites- Theme party that includes napkins and silverware matching the theme too.
-Dress code- Specifically bought outfit to go with the theme.
-Greeting- the 3 Muahs
-Kids say- Namasthe and Thank you
-Other Weekends-Clubbing and bar hopping
*****Now lets compare that to my life******

-WMAOM (work my ass off mom) and very happy about it.

- Weekly bitching with GFs, sometimes always daily.

-Activities for the day- work, ordering kids around to clean up, travels (in the car) to swim/gym/paino lessons, baking re-heating food in microwave.

-Weekends-Parties.. Chilling out with people I adore.

-Parties- Impropmtu invites from my Soulmates

- Invites- Always personal. Conversation goes like this..
Soulmate: hey
Me: hey
Soulmate: whats up?
Me: Don't know what I should make for dinner.
Soulmate: I have spaghetti sauce from last week and uncooked spaghetti
Me: I have cheese and can get garlic bread.
Soulmate: I have some chicken links we can throw in there.
Me: Should we ask other Soulmate to get some wine
Soulmate: Yup
Me: My house?
Soulmate: No her's, its been 3 days we haven't been there.
Me: OK
Soulmate: OK, I'll let other soulmate know we will be there in 1 hour, this will give her enough time to chill the wine.
ME: Chal bye. Milthe hain.

- Dress Code- old XL T shirt and yoga pants/ jammies. No one bats an eyelid.

- Greeting- "गधा, इतना लेट क्यूं आया?" (Donkey, why did you come so late?), or "उल्लू, खाना साइड में रख और २ ग्लास फटाफट मार्के आ, हमलोग काफी टुन्न है already."( Idiot, put whatever you brought to the side and drink up 2 glasses quickly since we are already high)

- Kids say: Can I stay over? Can my friend come over?

-Other weekends: Clubbing...uhh, Costco or Sam's Club-bing!


Now, you see why THEY are sooo Jealous?

Till death do us part....

This year a friend is hosting the Christmas party with an international potluck theme. I sent her a note saying that I may have people visiting that day and would like to sign up for dessert-which she mentioned in her signup email to all of us. VD-ya goes and right royally signs up for walnut cake and sugar cookies. So I respond to the sign up sheet saying I'll get pasta and send it through some one if I can't make it on time, and also add a comment about VD-ya's "reading skills". 3.7 seconds later VD-ya calls me apologizing, justifying, trying to switch back blah blah. (I don't know why she fears me or thinks she needs to appease the goddess in me-I don't scare you, do I?)
Conversation:
Me: It's ok.
VD-ya : No, I can get the pasta, you make the dessert.
Me: It doesn't matter, I have ingredients for either and don't feel like changing again.
VD-ya : Ok, but if you feel like changing, just let me know and we can swap.
Me: Ya, whatever.
VD-ya : Itna daratha hai tu mereko...You won't let me die in peace too, will you? You may be the one haunting me, not the other way around.
Me: When will you die? It better not be in December..too many parties plus my bday. I ain't ruining them for your shok sabha.
VD-ya : Kamina! So then Jan. is ok? after New Year party?
Me: No, Mu-man's bday ,Valentines day, Spring break, Sand's bday, Shaant's bday....Umm.. How about June 1st week? We can be sad for a couple of weeks and then we need to plan for a vacation during 4th of July weekend.

Dial tone......
Whaaa!!!

Of donkeys and mules

I guess I say "ass" a lot. So, Shaant said I would have to pay a nickel everytime her Papa and me swore. I asked, "To who?"
She didn't know, so she shut up.
Mu-man gave me a Hi-five!!

*****************************************************
Conversation:
Me (watching TV): Stupid ass, cannot even say his dialogues right!
Shaant: A nickel, amma.
Me (completely ignoring her): Stupid show.
Shaant: That's a nickel too.
Sanj: Akka, we'll be millionaires if we collect a nickel for every word.
Sanj: Amma, what's another word for donkey?
Me: Ass
Shaant: Nickel!!
Me: Smart ass.
Shaant n Sanj: Nickel!!
Me: O shut up.
Shaant n Sanj: NICKLE!!
Me : *$#*$!! Here's a blank cheque!

Fantasies....

Saw some bucket lists and got inspired. Mine are just pure fantasies coz I ain't kicking the bucket anytime soon. I laugh too much for that crap to happen to me this early. I don't have any "achievements" kinda list...things just sorta happen to me and I go with the flow. I don't think I'll do much to achieve the list below too, but if it does happen, I have a place to come and check. So, here goes...

1. I want to have an affair (not the sexual kind) but the sparks-flying-off-in-the-tensed-room kind. (for real, not just in my head with XXX).
2. I want to win an award and give a speech. (for real, not in front of the mirror)
3. I want to be able to sing my favorite ghazals (for real, not in the bathroom)
4. I want to be on stage-dance/drama-Umrao Jaan related. (for now I practice the Salaam everyday)
5. I want to be thin and wear white linen/cotton dresses. (HA!)
6. I want to move to Kuaui, Hawaii and start a Bed and Breakfast place. (Oooh!)
7. I want to live alone for a couple of months. (but not have do any tax crap)
8. I want to be a licensed masseuse. (if someone sponsors me)
9. I want to live close to my loved ones even after the gals have flown the nest. (cul-de-sac, Sand?)
10. I want to give away everything I have slowly and live a minimalistic lifestyle. (only after I turn 70, ok?)
11. I want my gals to be good human beings. (Thank God for Mu Man's strong genes)
12. I want to see the Mu-man relaxed and at peace. (Then I can die peacefully)

To be contd.....

You know you are in trouble when....

1. You smile and your cheeks block half the view by partially (or fully) covering your eyes. (Come on, I ain't looking, try it, try it).

2. You fit into a Medium sized jacket happily and then realize, the damn thing was pulled from the Maternity rack.

3. Your daily routine includes powdering your tummy tires to avoid chaffing.

4. You don't need a pedicure but you get it done anyway, coz you can't reach your toe nails without having to adjust 50 million times while clipping them.

5. Your kids laying on you reminds you of the scene in Jurassic Park where she lays her head on the sick dino's belly-moving up and down with the breathing.

6. You never fear that your boobs will reach your knees someday.. because the belly will act as a HURDLE!

7. Walking to the vending machine is your "activity" for the day.

8. Walking from the parking lot to destination (usually work) knowing you are a lil late, is your cardio for the day.

9. Your other half calls you Xena-warrior princess, not because you are sexy but because your bra now looks like her armor!

10. Body parts resemble food-pizza dough tummy, jello jiggle, donut butt-basically anything soft and fluffy.

11. You don't think "Yo mama's so fat-" jokes are funny coz they really apply to you.

12. You google to check if Somalia has opened doors to a Fat donation center yet and are first on their list of donors in any case. (Your VISA is ready and you have an open ticket to the place).

Guys, I think it's time for me to smoke, err eat grass ......

How many times a week?

The question, "How many times a week do you do it?" always gets me. 'Week'? Seriously, that's the new rage these days? 'Week'?
Let me sum it up in 2 sentences...
1. We have 2 gals who are in some activity or the other every day of the week, that does not end until 8pm.
2. We wake up before 6am every day and our busy busy days don't end till 10 pm.

Which means...
1. We qualify big time for any kind of leisure activity and relaxation.
2. We have enough time after 10pm.
3. We are young, healthy and fairly energetic.

So, next time ask me," How many times a day?" and stop insulting me by using the word "week" for heavens sake!! If in doubt, come see my face... I don't wear make-up, its the natural blush!

She knows what she wants...

I have my Mamama's (maternal grandma) genes. I love my people and enjoy talking. I know what I want and will be pretty animated about stuff I am not interested in. I get bored very easily and have a sharp tongue when samne wala doesnt have the brains to read my body language. I think I can enact my Mamama better with actions than words but I want to capture her and everything she stands for. Some random memories when I think "Mamama".

-She hardly ever told us stories

But she reads these Kannada magazines while she dozes off a lil on lazy afternoons and shares her opinions and some funny cartoons to shut us up from bothering her.

-No hugs or kisses or excitement to see us

But everytime I sit by her and hug her, she first pushes me away saying, " You are not a kid anymore, stop kissing me." And then squeezes me hand saying,"Its been so long since I saw you."

-Most gifts given to her are accepted with a ton of skepticism and an expression that said it all.

But these days she asks for "Efferdent" for her dentures and is very grateful that thats all I will send and "not waste my husband's money on her".

-No major show of gift giving or hand made woollens like grandmas make.

But every year for our birthdays my younger sister and I got dark colored nighties because she claimed we were tomboys and didnt care where we sat and always had some patch or the other on our butts and the dark nighty would "conceal" it. My goody 2 shoes older sister got the peaches, whites and pretty ones coz she was O so perfect.(She still sends them to me every time my Amma visits).

- She played favorites among the grandkids and only had a nick name for our oldest sister. The rest of us were "keelluh" (critters).

But everytime I visited, all my favorites were cooked. I mean ALL of them. There was no loving way of serving it, but I was amazed how she remembered each one our favorite foods. If the other cousin's visited with me, all of their favorites were made too.

-No conversations revolving wisdom or advice.

Most of our conversations are around when she will die! Now, now, I'm not that bad (OK, I know I am, but hear me out...)

I ask her to come over and she says,"I'm too old to travel and dont care to visit a foreign country so much. Your Ajja would have loved it if he was still alive. He should have lived and I should have died.".......Now, tell me how can I let this go, so I play along and say,"That's soo true. It would have been great with him. So when are you planning on dying?" So now everytime I call her, she makes sure she starts off with," Hello, I'm still alive!! Anikai marni!"--(havent died yet).

-Makes any special occassion a nightmare because we have to pick a Sari for her. And she will only wear darker shades of black, maroon, brown, maroonish-brown, blackish-brown, brownish-black and brownish-maroon!! No lines, no stripes, no similar patterns that will make her nauseous, no patli pallu, no belgaum sari, no blouse piece included, no bird patterns (Her words,"aiiio Moru (peacock), aiio Keeru (parrot))", generally saris given by extended family are discarded without even looking at because she thinks they themselves are too ugly and wear ugly-ass Saris, how can they pick something decent for her!

But she makes sure she PROUDLY tells everyone that the Sari she's wearing was given to her by one of us.

I love it...and her a little bit.