In happiness and in wealth…

Dedicated to my chaddi dosts in Bombay...

I don’t know about you guys, but I know a few people that are museum material, classic samples that belong in a place dedicated to them. I love them for making my dull and boring life so exciting (also gives me a chance to laugh at them, definately not with them).
So I have known this lady for all my life. The typical stylish kind whose husband she boasts gets a promotion every month (man, wonder what Focal review system they have!!). Here’s a typical conversation and trust me we have had several of them.. with almost a déjà vu effect.

Kunu aunty: Hey Guddi, you know my sister’s daughter, Khitpit, she is getting married to Raja of Tikamgad next week.
Guddi (thinking): There is a Raja and there is a Tikamgad? I wonder if it is a station in central railway.
Guddi: O really, are you all going?
Kunu aunty: O yes, they have chartered a plane for all of us and they are giving Rolex watches to all who come.
Guddi (thinking): Can I come? I’m sure they wont notice one extra person.. I’m willing to settle for a Bulova too.

So, Kunu aunty, Posh uncle, Oki and Onti (one straight and one gay son) all go for the wedding, add 17 pounds each, give an alarm clock gift to the newly weds that they got free when they went for another such wedding of a not-so-rich relative (she just married the MP’s son).
BTW, everyone in the world knows Onti is gay but Kunu aunty insists that he has a string of girl friends (drag queens probably!)

Conversation after they return…
Kunu aunty: Guddi, you should see the boy. He is soo handsome, apna Amir Khan types. And so well mannered. They sent a Mercedes to our hotel room to pick us up. Our free loader son Onti took it and went for a nice long drive to Kulu Manali in it with a very good friend he made there .. the executive chef. We had so much fun.
Guddi (thinking): Hmm executive chef…That must have been spicy.
Guddi: Do you have any photos, aunty?
(Damn Damn Damn, I should know when to shut up but you learn only after you fall. So I paid for my sins of asking for the photos.)
Boy looked like Kishan Kumar and not Amir Khan. Girl looked like a frustrated whore who hasn’t had any customers in a verrry long time. (I could imagine the cobwebs too!) The best part was that that was the only picture of the couple. The rest of the 35 pics from the 36 print roll were:
Kunu aunty with Posh uncle,
Posh uncle with drunk lady,
Oki with Kunu aunty by the master bedroom statue,
Onti with executive chef behind the tandoor-though I think that photo wasn’t meant to be printed.. they still looked flushed,
Oki and Onti by ice sculpture… you get the pic.

OK. So now couple is living happily ever after and my aunt has 4 Rolex watches.
2 weeks later.
Kunuaunty: You know Khitpit is divorcing.
Guddi: Why?
Kunuaunty: My sister gave so much Dahej and that boy’s family was beating up Khitpit for more.
Guddi: But you said they were rich.
Kunuaunty: No re Guddi, it was all a lie.
Guddi: But you said Onti went for a drive in their Mercedes with executive chef.
Kunuaunty: No, No. There was no Mercedes.
Guddi (completely confused, thinking): So she is admitting she lied?
Guddi: So what is she going to do now?
Kunuaunty: We found a nice peon for her. She will move to Panvel. Money doesn’t matter re Guddi, happiness does.

So much for happiness. Are you returning the Rolex to buy some happiness for Khitpit, Kunu aunty??

Sweet friend

About 6 years ago we met this guy. Obnoxious, loud, crude… in short everything I like in a guy. He impressed us big time.
The first time he talked to us, he called Mu-man a hatta-katta Punjabi and stroked the guy’s ego big time. He talked to me about the sandwich wala right out side Mithibai College who I miss the most on some days. After that it was a pattern…he would always talk about food. I thought he was hinting I was fat and didn’t know anything better anyway. But that didn’t seem like him. He ate like a King and praised like one too. Over the years that we have grown to know him better, we know the guy knows, lives, breathes and eats FOOD!!!
Here are a few things I partnered with him on
o Drooling over Jilebi rabdi ..yummm
o Coming up with the weirdest movies for VD-ya to act out during Dumb Charades (eg: Balathkaar)
o Planning the technicalities of getting all antibiotics and fever medication directly into our kitchen faucet since our kids fall sick all the time.
o Arguing about whose kid is dumber
o Dreaming about “masth me soneka, masth me khaneka, masth me vacation ko janeka”

AAAshay, Happy 40th, dost. May life be like an experience at a Bengali sweet store… where the hardest decision would be choosing between Rosshogulla or Mishti Doi…

And the answer is NOOO...

And the answer is NO….

Top 10 One liners my gals have said in the past few years. For those of you who know them, try imagining their voices and the innocent tone…

10. “Ewww, my mom and dad have kissed like in movies”.
9. When I said I liked her flat tummy, she said, "Why? I like yours, it’s like pizza dough”.
8. When we taught them the official names of body parts they said, “Can we see yours?”
7. “I don’t like boys, wouldn’t it be cool if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys.” (actually, I don't care).
6. “Amma, I would like to get married but can we do something so I don’t have any kids?”
5. “When Sanj was born did you go to Dugan farm or Albertsons' to fill yourself up with milk?”
4. “Guys have a pipe in their butts to pee with”.
3. Looking down my shirt,” You have butt up here too?”
2. “Cows’ pee is called Milk!!”
1. Pointing at the Tampon dispensing machine in the women’s restroom, with a twinkle in her eye, "I know what that is… it’s what girls smoke, hiding in the bathroom.”