The nail place

The biggest luxury I let myself indulge in is getting my nails done every 3-4 weeks. I love beautiful hands...almost have a fetish for it. I started this about 2 years ago but now am not really sure what the real reason is for me to go there month after month (kinda like the "if-you-get-it-you-don’t-care-so- much-about-it-anymore" theory).
Maybe one of you can help me decide…

When I enter, I am greeted smile-lessly and the conversation begins….

Nail lady: Wo you won? (After 2 years of consistently hearing this, now I know she means, “What you want?”)
Us (my devilish alter-ego and me): Just a re-fill, please.
Nail lady: “Only re-phi? You Fee AAh Baaaaa. You Shu You No Won Pedi-Qua?” (Only refill? Your feet are bad. You sure you No want pedicure?)
As we resist the temptation to smack the person across the head, who thinks my feet are bad, we look her straight in the eyes with a smile and say, “ Nooo, too espensi”. She now knows to shut up or is too dumb to recognize the sarcasm.
Nail lady: Wo collo? (What Color?)
Us (by now she has really tickled Ms. Alter ego to the nth degree): “I don’t know, I am not sure”. And I pick 5 different colors and ask her to test each one of them on my nails.

She hates it.
I smile.

We sit. To my dismay, I notice almost everyone is thinner than me and the one right next to me is thin and pretty. I hate her instantly.

Nail lady: You have keees? (kids)
Us: Yup, 2 girls 5 and 6.
Silence for 5 minutes. They haven’t been taught anything else to ask.
Us: How about you?
Nail lady: Ya, but not in amelika.
Us: O sad.
Silence for another 5 minutes.
Now, we are getting restless. How can I shut up for so long? It’s a hard task. I have already talked to most of my girl friends and my boy friends are busy working. I get restless, so I decide to play pretend. I remember #4 on my speed dial who should be out of her office by now and with my luck will be stuck in traffic. Awesome.
I quickly hit #4.

#4: Hey
Me: Hey
Me: Did you like my book?
#4: What the heck are you talking about?
Me: I am getting my nails done. I am bored.
#4: Good lord, girl. Are you pretending?
Me: Ya. Baju wali sunn rahi hai (Person sitting next to me is listening to us)
(I whisper). And yes, you and your man are on my Acknowledgement list (a lil louder than normal).
#4: What did you write about?
Me: I don’t know. Don’t ask me stuff like that (again a whisper).
Me: (Loudly). They don’t tell you ahead of time if you will actually win the Pulitzer. Hahaha (fake laugh, mixed with a witches cackle)

By now the thin gorgeous lady is looking at me too. I gloat.
I have rubbed off on #4 well enough to make her cackle with me. But she has to go; she got off early from work today and is pulling into her driveway already.
Dang.
But I have hopes. I can get creative here. Maybe change my role.

I try #6 on speed dial.
#6: Kidhar hai tu? (Where are you?)
Me: Nails
#6: Ooh! Kaunsa Color? (Wo Collo or Go back to line 15!!!)
Me: Don’t know yet. Hee hee.
#6: Saala, Tu uss se abhi pachchees color lagvaegi na? (You will ask her to try out 25 different colors, right?)
Me: Hmmm. Maybe. Do you still have patients to see?
#6: No. I am leaving in 5. Are you done for the day?
Me: No, I have a patient with acute MI.
(For you confused souls, “acute MI” is a term I have heard repeatedly used by people in “ER” but have no clue what MI stands for).
#6: What??
Me: I have to go to Chandler Regional hospital and then Mercy Gilbert. They are prepping him now.
#6: Tu kisse bath kar rahi hai? (Who are you talking to?)
Me: Terese (You). But such is life.
I can’t control my laughter now.
Thin lady walks to wash her hands. I quickly whisper, “I am pretending to be a doc. Play with me.”
#6: Chup re. Mereko kaam hai. Bye. (Shut up, I have work to do)
Double dang …but my work was done. I didn’t know anymore medical lingo either.
I see thin gorgeous lady with perfect finger tips now smile at me. I smile back. We sit beside each other drying our nails.

Bombshell: Sorry, I couldn’t help over hear your conversations. You write and you are a doctor?
Me: Yup
Bombshell: What’s your book about?
Me: My nails are done. Why don’t you stop by at Barnes on Saturday for the book signing? You will be surprised.
I give a cool smile and I walk away highly satisfied.

Do I love my nails so much? or
Did I miss my calling as an actress??