TRIDENT!!

Sanj makes random comments. But this week was special.. extra special!! We have Trident in our lives and this is what she has to say about him.
- He is a baby and very much like me. If he doesn't want to eat, dont force him.
- He waved at me and I think he wanted to smile too, but Akka walked in and that made him stop.
- Take him to bed with you, he may have nighmares.
- I think right now he's dreaming.
- Does he need to brush his teeth?

Shaant was excited beyond words...
- I want to feed him.
- I want to feed him before Sanj.
- When will I get to feed him?
- Ok, amma.. you asked me to feed him, but can you do it today please? I have to pee.

I think...
- He hears my voice and comes up to me.
- Blows lil kisses.
- Senses my presence and eats only when I talk to him and feed him.
- Loves when I call him "ma babyyy".

Mu man says-
- Make sure he is well marinated by the time I get home! SLURP!!

My little TRIDENT ...

The wind beneath my wings....

... Well, maybe not wings.. more like huge flippers.So, does that make it "water beneath my flippers?" Or should I call it "land beneath my feet"? Coz really I don't fly ...or for that matter swim (well, I swim but not to go places.. mainly as a recreation). You know what, I say all of the above. Because...
-when I am high, she flies with me.
-when I am drowning, shes my buoy (which is saying a lot coz I can be pretty heavy).
-when I am running. she keeps my feet firm, smiles from afar and lets me run.

To a very special Sand, Happy Birthday BFF!
Looking forward to many more years of laughter, vacations and sandanistas shots!

X-ray results of my brain...

NOTE: Do not jump into any conclusions. I am not dying.. not without killing a select few...

Ok, so.. I have been busy and just not motivated to write. But then Life has it's weird sense of humor that I just couldn't resist capturing...
-Talked to a friend about nursing and lactation.
-Another friend, N called last night and I realized that I haven't spoken to her in months though we live in the same neighborhood and I was guilt struck.
- The fact that I am fat still shows its ugly head every once in a while.

All these triggered this...A nightmare.
Apparently N had a baby, but being sooo petite, could only make so much milk. I, on the other hand, started gorging up just by the thought!! So N decided that the baby could nurse or she could use the extra milk to make paneer!!!!! (I know, I know.. beyond YUCKK). She puts a bottle of about 5 ounces of milk on the table, next to my gallon. V-dya walks in and says, "N's milk looks fat free, look at this fatso's gallon.. we should make Ras Malai!"

Just shoot me now, please?

Was I wrong???

Mu-man is going on a BIGGGG hiking trip and has been buying gadgets that I didnt know existed.
-A UV pen that converts 40 ounces of any water into oil.. ok, no drinkable water (was just checking if you were paying attention).
-A torchlight that has an inbuilt alarm clock and barometer.
-A watch that shows time!! (Ok, sorry..still checking!)
He shows me this and says, "Can you believe this is a piece of underwear? Look at it and figure out how to wear it!"

Me: "It looks like a pre stuffed bra for a 5 year old!"
Mu-man: " O come on.. be realistic. You can figure it out.. look at it again!"

Me: "O I know, Ball warmer!!!"

Mu-man: "Very close...eyeball warmer".

What's in a name?

Absolute yumm friend who has never entered the kitchen is forced to live by himself. He ate out every day and then realized he can't afford to and needs to get healthy.
Convo:
He: Yedi, I can't believe it!! I can't believe it!
Me: wot?
He: I made something. I created my own recipe. I'm soo proud of myself.
Me: wotcha do?
He: I chopped cucumbers and tomatoes. Added salt and pepper.
Me: okkkk.....
He: And get this... dumped a small container of yogurt and mixed it all in!!!! Not bad, huh?

Me: Ya, it's called raita, yeda!
Pause.....

He: %&^#%$ ! Pura uthar detha hai tu, Yedi!!! BYE!!

New old friends

Thanks to the big social network site, I found a whole bunch of kids I grew up with in Bombay!! It has been a blast from the past and when I call them, every 2 sentences ends up in giggles. I'm known to have great long term memory and these guys have been opening up more and more of my memory related cells and the laughter in my world has been beyond YUMMM!
To FB! love the way you connect the dots of my life! :)
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Langotiya Yaar says,"Tu pagal tha.. abhi Khatarnaak Maha Pagal hua hai!" (Translation does not do justice to these words but roughly it means," You were always crazy...now you are a Dangerous and Bigger Crazy!)
Could I get a bigger compliment!! :)
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Another sweetheart fuels my fire. Convo via Gtalk:
S: Hi yedi  (yedi in Bombaiyya= vedi in Marathi= crazy in English)
Guddi: HI!!!!!!!
S: What ghazal are you listening to?
Guddi: (!!!!) 'Aap ki yaad aathi rahi'.. but can't figure out what 'chashmanamm' means. My heads reeling. Looked all over the Internet and Farsi translation sites...
S: Yedi, it's 'chashm-e-namm'...meaning Eyes-e-moist!!
Guddi: OMG, I love you!!!! Marry me?
S: Bye, yedi!
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Chikoo has a 5 year old baby gal. Convo:
Tia: Guddi aunty, aaj ten baje mera birthday hai! (It's my birthday at 10 o clock today!)
Guddi: Can I come?
Tia: Lekin, Mere yahan Sun hai...(But, I can see the Sun here...)
Guddi: Tho? (So?)
Tia: Mamma said, "When the Sun comes out here, the Moon comes out in Guddi Aunty's house!"
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My fav. bacha (baby) friend, Seem had Kabir 2 weeks ago:
Email read:
Guddi di,
 aap Paati ho gaya. (You just became a Grandma). My Kabir is here....
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Life's good, da! Life is fuckin good! Blowing some yumminess for all of you...

My perfect day!!..I top you TPL!! :)

My best friend, Cloud and I went to Elmers Taco and our order got screwed up. We didn’t check before we brought it back to work and noticed his box said “no lettuce” though none of us had asked for it. We ate at at our respective desks….


Conversation through IM:

Cloud:
i have no idea what i'm eating
Guddi [12:07 PM]:
im so sorry. mine isnt that great either... but i bet its better than urs
u want the one that i havent touched yet?
Cloud [12:07 PM]:
no thanks, it's all you
it's not bad, just not sure what it is
Guddi [12:08 PM]:
urs is a cheese taco i think. no meat, no lettuce. m dunking mine in n the salsa so my mouth wont dry. u sure u dont want mine?
Cloud, [12:08 PM]:
i'm sure, and mine does have meat
Guddi [12:08 PM]:
o ok
Guddi [12:09 PM]:
why did u say no lettuce?
Cloud,[12:09 PM]:
i din't
Guddi [12:09 PM]:
dont u like lettuce?
Cloud,[12:11 PM]:
ok so, let me try again, i did not ask for no lettuce. it's not even our order remember
Guddi [12:12 PM]:
then why did they say no lettuce
Guddi [12:12 PM]:
they do it only when u ask for no lettuce.
maybe its that stuff u talked in spanish.. maybe that translated to no lettuce.
Cloud,  [12:13 PM]:
which part of it's not our order is confusing to you? its not our order
Guddi [12:13 PM]:
i just dont get why you dont like lettuce...unless you are allergic to it?
are you? ive never heard of anyone being allergic to lettuce
Cloud, [12:14 PM]:
ok, i'll try one more time....IT"S NOT OUR ORDER!!! so whatever it is i did or did not ask for is irrelavant. We didnt' get what i ordered, or what you ordered.... i didn't say anything at all about lettuce.
IT"S NOT OUR ORDER
Guddi [12:16 PM]:
o so you ordered this WITH lettuce and they mistook you for WITHOUT lettuce. u know you shud just not say anything about lettuce next time.. maybe it normally comes with it so they misunderstood??
Cloud,  [12:16 PM]:
IT"S NOT OUR ODER. I SAID NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY REGARDING LETTUCE
Guddi [12:17 PM]:
oder?? u mean odor? your food stinks?
Guddi [12:18 PM]:
baby...
Guddi [12:18 PM]:
i love you... very very much. with or without lettuce


SILENCE!!! ....
The only thing that shuts him up.
Don't you love my Cloud? :)

Teaser...

It's my friend SubmarineMan's bday next week. 3 couples are putting together a skit in honor of this occassion. I can't disclose details.. but here are a few things he has said in the past that we plan to rip, tear and shred to pieces....

1. There is no F sound in Phillipino lingo.. so I guess they just Uck!

2. His wife finds Ranjit (yes, that oldie villian very OOOO) and he says," What do you like so much about him? All he does is rape!"

3. He claims Sujit Kumar is a wanna be rapist who only waits outside covering for Prem Chopra. His resume reads
"Seeking challenging position as Senior Rapist".
Qualifications:
Held doors shut ensuring victim does not escape.
10 years of experience in watching, now seeking hands on experience..

4. He knows everything about everything.. yup.. thats what I said..EVERYTHING. Pick a topic..he'll tell you about the year, statistics around it, why, when and how about it.

Sorry, not a true funny.. but I'm gonna try and and see if I can add the script here in the next couple of weeks...

All in the family

My nephew's story writing skills-
One day there was a tiger. He had a friend called Lion. Both were best friends and very hungry. They were looking for food and saw a deer. They ran after the deer but he was very fast. After running for a long time, they both got tired. Then suddenly the tiger had an idea. He jumped on the lion and ate him.

Moral of the story: Foolish Lion!
(Sand, next time we go out, please let me know if you are hungry ahead of time, ok?)

PS: This is a home-made story.
(Versus bought from Laxmi stores?)

It's a friend eat friend world out there, what can I say!

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Last night when Mu man came back home from a neighboring state, Sanj hugged him and said, " Papa, are you gonna be Flag-Staffed like Ajja and Mamama when they come from India?"

Jetlag doesn't even rhyme with Flagstaff, small!!

And yes, we train them young in my family of crazies!! :)

Bhoothnath

Shaant has been having weird thoughts about ghosts. So, I spent an hour last night laying down beside her and explaining with all my heart that there are no such things as ghosts, that whatever people claim to see or hear is all in their heads, that dim lights and silence plays a big role in making things sound weird.. blah, blah. Finally, she hugs me and goes off to sleep and I doze off as well. By the time I wake up it's 1 am and decide to go back to my bedroom. As I was closing her bedroom door, I hear something. I smile and shrug. I even think," O, that ghost is going to his momma claiming he saw fat human!" I hear it again. It was weird, almost like a "SSSSS.. TOK". I contemplate going back to Shaant's room so she doesn't wake up scared. I hold on to her door knob and hear it again .."SSSSS...TOK, SSSSS...TOK". I am about close to screaming but I walk a couple more steps.
It's FIL ...snoring!! ARGH!
So I walk towards my bedroom, the "SSSS...TOK" slowly fading away. By the time I reach the living room, I hear "SSSS... TOK" a lil louder and with every step it gets louder and louder. Now my heart is ready to jump out from anywhere it can. I freeze.. my mind running in several different directions.. back to Shaant? get the lights? call 911? go towards the "SSSS...TOK"? .. Yes, thats it. Towards the "SSSS.. TOK".

It was my FIL's son!! Same exact "SSSS... TOK"!!! I could strangle Mu-Man.
Why can't these guys go with the traditional "Grrrr... Hissss"???

I'm Thankful for...

...No, this is not one of those "thank you" notes to my friends and family or a delayed Thanksgiving post. It's actually to God for creating these souls whose sole purpose in life is to amuse me. I can almost hear God's
words to them as he sends them on their journey to Earth.. "Go my children, make Guddi's life as blissful as you can. It isn't a hard job as she believes everyone around her is stupid and she is the smartest ass around, just make sure she finds you."... or something to that effect.

I am thankful for--
-The lead I work with who insists on pronouncing S with a Sh sound. But he is not always consistent, there seems to be a rule to it..
If 1st alphabet of word =S and/or
Number of S in the word = 1
Then pronounciation = Ss,
Else Sh.
Eg: Syshtematic, Startsh, Jusht, Lasht, Sandsh, Ashaaan, Shtarry (because you have only 1 S)etc.

- The random person who sends me an evite to attend a Lovely Dinner Party at her house without introducing herself. Evite further asks to get a "fabulous"dish. Now why the Eff am I gonna cook to make her dinner party lovely? Doesn't she know just my presence will make it perfect?? Seriously, people need to catch up with my reputation!
(BTW, out of the 6 people invited 4 declined, 2 didnt respond-party cancelled)

- Old man Chuck who sat across from me at work and farted his way to glory! The rest of us cube-ies would IM each other the sounds and discuss and argue about what he may have eaten. The new gal Crystal was made to sit on the other side of the wall from him and walked in one morning to hear Chuck rrripp it out. I swear I heard Crystal scream, "O Sweet Jesus!" in utter shock! Sharri, who sat kitty-corner from him started spraying air freshner over Chuck's head.

Need I say more?
Lord, bless these people with more lisps, stupidness and gas. They do bring me a lot of joy.