Abhi tho maine jawaan hoon...

..but I have to start planning my 40th. I trust no one but myself to make it perfect so why not spell it out.
1. I want all my boys drunk.
2. I want myself drunk.
3. I want music galore and the dance floor full of my boys drunk.
4. I wouldnt mind a couple of the girls drunk too ( you know who you are).
5. I want Flan and not cake with some rum.
6. I want the week and not just the day celebrated drunk.
7. I want to run on the beach in slow motion (maybe I should tape it and watch it on video, drunk).
8. I want it to go on until the day after to ease into reality.
9. I want laughter and drunken madness.
10. I want my chaddi dosts from Bombay here.

I better get on a strict diet starting now, to make it through that week. Strict liquid diet. Care to join me?

So Sick...

As soon as I plant Spring flowers and tell the kids that we will have the best 17 days of spring break, they start sneezing and coughing. By the weekend they even manage to get a fever. They sleep and wake up at different times, making sure I wouldn’t get a minutes rest. They both want different things to eat, play, do and watch. Being the best mom in the world, I do it relentlessly, completely ignoring the fact that my own allergies had kicked in and I hadn’t slept in 3 nights. In fact I think Ekta Kapoor could even send some of her starlets over for training for her next serial called Kkkya Ma!!
To add to my misery, Mu-man decides to get the flu, hacks his lungs out and needs warm water every hour. The dutiful wife in me wakes up and sits holding his head in my lap through the night, making sure the water is no less than the recommended 150F deg. I make chicken soup from scratch (actually finding farm grown organic chicken), change his sheets to 100% linen ones in mute colors and get his favorite movies to watch in bed. Scene 1: Ekta Kapoor’s Kkyunki biwi bhi kabhi Ma banegi!!
I walk into the kitchen and hear a strange cough, one I have never heard before and lo and behold, the dad in law is now coughing, has a low grade fever and completely denies being sick. He insists that he had it 2 days ago and he is all good now. But this lil Ekta Kapoor’s cheli won’t give up so easily. I quickly don the only polyester sari I have, veil myself with the Pallu, carry ginger tea to his room and start called him “Babuji”. I make garam garam rotis and apki pasand ki phoolgobi ki sabji. I lovingly chide him about taking his medications and hear him tell the neighbors, “Yeh meri bahu nahi beti hai”.
Scene 1: Ekta Kapoor’s attempt at light hearted serial, Kkamaal ki bahu!!
The entire weekend I clean and dust and cook and try to be as cheerful as possible to make sure I spread joy and happiness to my loved ones, occasionally breaking into family oriented Hindi songs.
It is amazing how Mu-man, dad in law and the kids have the same exact dream every time they are sick. Maybe some day it will come true, but not today.

Meds for thought…..

So, I am watching Lifetime-TV for Women and I realize that 90% of the advertisements are around different “diseases”. No, not the regular blood pressure, heart or diabetes kind, but the weird kind.
Here’s my conspiracy theory around it…
I don’t really think they are diseases; they are like some mad scientist's inventions. While creating meds in his garage or “lab”, he might have had a lot of leftovers that he may want to sell off. So he comes up with these ridiculous “diseases”.
Like use Mirapex for Restless Leg Syndrome. What the heck is that!! The body sleeps but the leg doesn’t?? Or Adult ADHD with the ad saying, “Do your thoughts wander when you are in a meeting?” HELLO!! We all do that. If you want to sell drugs for THAT, a mere pill wont do, make a shot for it and add it to the immunization list alongside DTP, Hep A and Vericella vaccines. My favorite is YAZ, the birth control pill that controls birth, stops periods, clears acne, stops bloating…my question to them is “Does it also make you a Male?”

I created my own with all this inspiration. The ad goes something like this…

1. Have you walked into the pantry and not known what you were looking for?
2. Do you sometimes think Bed, Bath and Beyond but say LinensNThings?
3. Do you ever have the urge to pee in the car when you are stuck in traffic for 45 mins. with no exit in sight? (With the after thought of taking the car to Cobblestone on your way home and getting it cleaned?)
4. Do you go on n off diets and exercise?

Don’t worry. About 97.89% of all Americans suffer from this disease called JPD (Just Plain Dumb). JPD can be treated with one pill taken once a week on Fridays called the GS (Get Some).
Side effects include:
-NSM (Need Some More)
-IP (Intense Pleasure)
-ASM (Awesome Saturday Mornings)
In some rare cases, your spouse may even make you breakfast in bed.
Please let you doctor know if you take any kind of cough and cold meds, Valium or high dose pain relief meds as this may lower the I-ty of your P (look within side effects) due to sleeping half way through. Please use responsibly.

In happiness and in wealth…

Dedicated to my chaddi dosts in Bombay...

I don’t know about you guys, but I know a few people that are museum material, classic samples that belong in a place dedicated to them. I love them for making my dull and boring life so exciting (also gives me a chance to laugh at them, definately not with them).
So I have known this lady for all my life. The typical stylish kind whose husband she boasts gets a promotion every month (man, wonder what Focal review system they have!!). Here’s a typical conversation and trust me we have had several of them.. with almost a déjà vu effect.

Kunu aunty: Hey Guddi, you know my sister’s daughter, Khitpit, she is getting married to Raja of Tikamgad next week.
Guddi (thinking): There is a Raja and there is a Tikamgad? I wonder if it is a station in central railway.
Guddi: O really, are you all going?
Kunu aunty: O yes, they have chartered a plane for all of us and they are giving Rolex watches to all who come.
Guddi (thinking): Can I come? I’m sure they wont notice one extra person.. I’m willing to settle for a Bulova too.

So, Kunu aunty, Posh uncle, Oki and Onti (one straight and one gay son) all go for the wedding, add 17 pounds each, give an alarm clock gift to the newly weds that they got free when they went for another such wedding of a not-so-rich relative (she just married the MP’s son).
BTW, everyone in the world knows Onti is gay but Kunu aunty insists that he has a string of girl friends (drag queens probably!)

Conversation after they return…
Kunu aunty: Guddi, you should see the boy. He is soo handsome, apna Amir Khan types. And so well mannered. They sent a Mercedes to our hotel room to pick us up. Our free loader son Onti took it and went for a nice long drive to Kulu Manali in it with a very good friend he made there .. the executive chef. We had so much fun.
Guddi (thinking): Hmm executive chef…That must have been spicy.
Guddi: Do you have any photos, aunty?
(Damn Damn Damn, I should know when to shut up but you learn only after you fall. So I paid for my sins of asking for the photos.)
Boy looked like Kishan Kumar and not Amir Khan. Girl looked like a frustrated whore who hasn’t had any customers in a verrry long time. (I could imagine the cobwebs too!) The best part was that that was the only picture of the couple. The rest of the 35 pics from the 36 print roll were:
Kunu aunty with Posh uncle,
Posh uncle with drunk lady,
Oki with Kunu aunty by the master bedroom statue,
Onti with executive chef behind the tandoor-though I think that photo wasn’t meant to be printed.. they still looked flushed,
Oki and Onti by ice sculpture… you get the pic.

OK. So now couple is living happily ever after and my aunt has 4 Rolex watches.
2 weeks later.
Kunuaunty: You know Khitpit is divorcing.
Guddi: Why?
Kunuaunty: My sister gave so much Dahej and that boy’s family was beating up Khitpit for more.
Guddi: But you said they were rich.
Kunuaunty: No re Guddi, it was all a lie.
Guddi: But you said Onti went for a drive in their Mercedes with executive chef.
Kunuaunty: No, No. There was no Mercedes.
Guddi (completely confused, thinking): So she is admitting she lied?
Guddi: So what is she going to do now?
Kunuaunty: We found a nice peon for her. She will move to Panvel. Money doesn’t matter re Guddi, happiness does.

So much for happiness. Are you returning the Rolex to buy some happiness for Khitpit, Kunu aunty??

Sweet friend

About 6 years ago we met this guy. Obnoxious, loud, crude… in short everything I like in a guy. He impressed us big time.
The first time he talked to us, he called Mu-man a hatta-katta Punjabi and stroked the guy’s ego big time. He talked to me about the sandwich wala right out side Mithibai College who I miss the most on some days. After that it was a pattern…he would always talk about food. I thought he was hinting I was fat and didn’t know anything better anyway. But that didn’t seem like him. He ate like a King and praised like one too. Over the years that we have grown to know him better, we know the guy knows, lives, breathes and eats FOOD!!!
Here are a few things I partnered with him on
o Drooling over Jilebi rabdi ..yummm
o Coming up with the weirdest movies for VD-ya to act out during Dumb Charades (eg: Balathkaar)
o Planning the technicalities of getting all antibiotics and fever medication directly into our kitchen faucet since our kids fall sick all the time.
o Arguing about whose kid is dumber
o Dreaming about “masth me soneka, masth me khaneka, masth me vacation ko janeka”

AAAshay, Happy 40th, dost. May life be like an experience at a Bengali sweet store… where the hardest decision would be choosing between Rosshogulla or Mishti Doi…

And the answer is NOOO...

And the answer is NO….

Top 10 One liners my gals have said in the past few years. For those of you who know them, try imagining their voices and the innocent tone…

10. “Ewww, my mom and dad have kissed like in movies”.
9. When I said I liked her flat tummy, she said, "Why? I like yours, it’s like pizza dough”.
8. When we taught them the official names of body parts they said, “Can we see yours?”
7. “I don’t like boys, wouldn’t it be cool if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys.” (actually, I don't care).
6. “Amma, I would like to get married but can we do something so I don’t have any kids?”
5. “When Sanj was born did you go to Dugan farm or Albertsons' to fill yourself up with milk?”
4. “Guys have a pipe in their butts to pee with”.
3. Looking down my shirt,” You have butt up here too?”
2. “Cows’ pee is called Milk!!”
1. Pointing at the Tampon dispensing machine in the women’s restroom, with a twinkle in her eye, "I know what that is… it’s what girls smoke, hiding in the bathroom.”

Wonders

Wonders

OK. Forewarning: Short and senti
Why?: Tis the season???

There are several times I have screamed, threatened and EB’d my kids.. much like normal parents. And every time the thoughts running in my head were, “O, how can they not see that it’s good for them?” Or “How many times do I have to tell them?” Or “I did all this for them and look at the attitude”.

• I walked home last week and both kids were not yet home from swim lessons. I put my bags down instantly, cleaned up the kitchen counters, put away their bags, threw the endless realms of paper they make their sketches on and tidied the whole place. That night when we were having our daily chat, I wanted to show them by setting an example of what it is to clean up after themselves.
  Me: Did you have a long day at school today?
  Shaant: Yes, I am tired. How about you, amma?
  Me: Me too. I came home and cleaned up all the mess you guys made. Did you notice a clean home?
  Shaant: No
  Just when I felt bad and my mind went about creating one of those questions as usual, she said, “I was so happy when I saw your car in the garage. I didn't look at the house".

I hadn't seen that coming.

• Sanj shared her chocolate with me today. I had definitely not seen that coming!!!
  

What I do see coming are ... the joys of motherhood.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa lalala la la la la la…..