In happiness and in wealth…

Dedicated to my chaddi dosts in Bombay...

I don’t know about you guys, but I know a few people that are museum material, classic samples that belong in a place dedicated to them. I love them for making my dull and boring life so exciting (also gives me a chance to laugh at them, definately not with them).
So I have known this lady for all my life. The typical stylish kind whose husband she boasts gets a promotion every month (man, wonder what Focal review system they have!!). Here’s a typical conversation and trust me we have had several of them.. with almost a déjà vu effect.

Kunu aunty: Hey Guddi, you know my sister’s daughter, Khitpit, she is getting married to Raja of Tikamgad next week.
Guddi (thinking): There is a Raja and there is a Tikamgad? I wonder if it is a station in central railway.
Guddi: O really, are you all going?
Kunu aunty: O yes, they have chartered a plane for all of us and they are giving Rolex watches to all who come.
Guddi (thinking): Can I come? I’m sure they wont notice one extra person.. I’m willing to settle for a Bulova too.

So, Kunu aunty, Posh uncle, Oki and Onti (one straight and one gay son) all go for the wedding, add 17 pounds each, give an alarm clock gift to the newly weds that they got free when they went for another such wedding of a not-so-rich relative (she just married the MP’s son).
BTW, everyone in the world knows Onti is gay but Kunu aunty insists that he has a string of girl friends (drag queens probably!)

Conversation after they return…
Kunu aunty: Guddi, you should see the boy. He is soo handsome, apna Amir Khan types. And so well mannered. They sent a Mercedes to our hotel room to pick us up. Our free loader son Onti took it and went for a nice long drive to Kulu Manali in it with a very good friend he made there .. the executive chef. We had so much fun.
Guddi (thinking): Hmm executive chef…That must have been spicy.
Guddi: Do you have any photos, aunty?
(Damn Damn Damn, I should know when to shut up but you learn only after you fall. So I paid for my sins of asking for the photos.)
Boy looked like Kishan Kumar and not Amir Khan. Girl looked like a frustrated whore who hasn’t had any customers in a verrry long time. (I could imagine the cobwebs too!) The best part was that that was the only picture of the couple. The rest of the 35 pics from the 36 print roll were:
Kunu aunty with Posh uncle,
Posh uncle with drunk lady,
Oki with Kunu aunty by the master bedroom statue,
Onti with executive chef behind the tandoor-though I think that photo wasn’t meant to be printed.. they still looked flushed,
Oki and Onti by ice sculpture… you get the pic.

OK. So now couple is living happily ever after and my aunt has 4 Rolex watches.
2 weeks later.
Kunuaunty: You know Khitpit is divorcing.
Guddi: Why?
Kunuaunty: My sister gave so much Dahej and that boy’s family was beating up Khitpit for more.
Guddi: But you said they were rich.
Kunuaunty: No re Guddi, it was all a lie.
Guddi: But you said Onti went for a drive in their Mercedes with executive chef.
Kunuaunty: No, No. There was no Mercedes.
Guddi (completely confused, thinking): So she is admitting she lied?
Guddi: So what is she going to do now?
Kunuaunty: We found a nice peon for her. She will move to Panvel. Money doesn’t matter re Guddi, happiness does.

So much for happiness. Are you returning the Rolex to buy some happiness for Khitpit, Kunu aunty??

Sweet friend

About 6 years ago we met this guy. Obnoxious, loud, crude… in short everything I like in a guy. He impressed us big time.
The first time he talked to us, he called Mu-man a hatta-katta Punjabi and stroked the guy’s ego big time. He talked to me about the sandwich wala right out side Mithibai College who I miss the most on some days. After that it was a pattern…he would always talk about food. I thought he was hinting I was fat and didn’t know anything better anyway. But that didn’t seem like him. He ate like a King and praised like one too. Over the years that we have grown to know him better, we know the guy knows, lives, breathes and eats FOOD!!!
Here are a few things I partnered with him on
o Drooling over Jilebi rabdi ..yummm
o Coming up with the weirdest movies for VD-ya to act out during Dumb Charades (eg: Balathkaar)
o Planning the technicalities of getting all antibiotics and fever medication directly into our kitchen faucet since our kids fall sick all the time.
o Arguing about whose kid is dumber
o Dreaming about “masth me soneka, masth me khaneka, masth me vacation ko janeka”

AAAshay, Happy 40th, dost. May life be like an experience at a Bengali sweet store… where the hardest decision would be choosing between Rosshogulla or Mishti Doi…

And the answer is NOOO...

And the answer is NO….

Top 10 One liners my gals have said in the past few years. For those of you who know them, try imagining their voices and the innocent tone…

10. “Ewww, my mom and dad have kissed like in movies”.
9. When I said I liked her flat tummy, she said, "Why? I like yours, it’s like pizza dough”.
8. When we taught them the official names of body parts they said, “Can we see yours?”
7. “I don’t like boys, wouldn’t it be cool if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys.” (actually, I don't care).
6. “Amma, I would like to get married but can we do something so I don’t have any kids?”
5. “When Sanj was born did you go to Dugan farm or Albertsons' to fill yourself up with milk?”
4. “Guys have a pipe in their butts to pee with”.
3. Looking down my shirt,” You have butt up here too?”
2. “Cows’ pee is called Milk!!”
1. Pointing at the Tampon dispensing machine in the women’s restroom, with a twinkle in her eye, "I know what that is… it’s what girls smoke, hiding in the bathroom.”

Wonders

Wonders

OK. Forewarning: Short and senti
Why?: Tis the season???

There are several times I have screamed, threatened and EB’d my kids.. much like normal parents. And every time the thoughts running in my head were, “O, how can they not see that it’s good for them?” Or “How many times do I have to tell them?” Or “I did all this for them and look at the attitude”.

• I walked home last week and both kids were not yet home from swim lessons. I put my bags down instantly, cleaned up the kitchen counters, put away their bags, threw the endless realms of paper they make their sketches on and tidied the whole place. That night when we were having our daily chat, I wanted to show them by setting an example of what it is to clean up after themselves.
  Me: Did you have a long day at school today?
  Shaant: Yes, I am tired. How about you, amma?
  Me: Me too. I came home and cleaned up all the mess you guys made. Did you notice a clean home?
  Shaant: No
  Just when I felt bad and my mind went about creating one of those questions as usual, she said, “I was so happy when I saw your car in the garage. I didn't look at the house".

I hadn't seen that coming.

• Sanj shared her chocolate with me today. I had definitely not seen that coming!!!
  

What I do see coming are ... the joys of motherhood.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa lalala la la la la la…..

My inventions

My inventions:

I know most of us have inventions scrambling in our heads all the time (at least the normal ones like me do). We never end up going to the “patent”-ing office BUT cringe when we see it on TV being sold by screaming lunatics for 3 easy payments on $19.99 and that’s not all, if we call within the next 7.3 minutes, they offer a free pair of knives with it too. AAhh! It is soo frustrating.
So, I am taking this opportunity to list and document all of mine. If any of you see it on an infomercial on Saturday night coz no one invited you to a party so you are just sulking and channel-surfing, please feel free to call me and let me know so I can sue their chaddis off their butts. (BTW, I will be partying every Saturday night so call me on my cell.. which I may not answer coz I may be laughing at the party and may not be able to hear your call, so leave a message. Or call me on Sunday morning after 10 am, as I would be hung-over from Saturday night’s party).

1. Eco friendly magnets: So you attach 2 huge magnets the size of a pillow to the front and back of your car. The magnets come with a transmission device (just a big word that’s in every owner’s manual that Sandy reads out aloud). Mine is like a walkie-talkie. As you drive on the freeway, you Beep any other car (with the transmission device.. ok lets name it B142. It’s very important to name it with B because 1. It’s cool to confuse people and 2. People think there were “A 140” series and this is the latest and greatest).
Now you ask them through the B142 if you can join them for the next 5 miles. Then you Buzz (a button on the transmitter) and attach your car magnets to his, thus joining both cars. Now turn off your engine. And he drags you. You Un-Buzz (double click Buzz from before) when you want to take your exit. The most eco friendly way of saving gas. As an incentive to the “Draggers”, we give them $1 for every mile they drag you. As a “Dragee”, you just get dragged. What more do you want?
2. Back friendly washing machine: The machine is either in your closet or bathroom. I prefer bathroom. It has 2 bins, so you separate colors and whites. For those of you who do “greys” that’s an upgrade for the 3rd bin. So you throw your clothes in any one of the bins as you change/ take a shower (pre-sorting done). Over the week as soon as it fills up, the sensors detect the “fullness” and turn the machine on automatically. It washes and dries in the same bin. It folds and places itself into a built-in shelf (work pending on the “folding” part).
3. SUCKER: A built in vacuum cleaner. Every night the carpet starts sucking everything weighing less than 2 llbs. And its so user friendly, you get to set the time of the day!!! The chute is connected to the ocean directly. So no clogs, no bags. Better than Dyson. Also teaches kids to clean up toys before going to bed OR ELSE. heehahaaheeeha and husbands to pick up wet towels.
4. SUCKER II: You enter a booth kinda like a phone booth and the same philosophy as SUCKER takes place… only difference is it sucks the Fat off of you. You just enter in the amount or go by the default amount. In an upgraded version, you pick the body of a celebrity from Pam Anderson to Hritik Roshan and click the Big SUCK button. Procedure takes 10 minutes to 90 minutes depending on the amount of fat you have and time taken to actually fit in the booth. Now guys, it only sucks FAT. Do not misuse.

There, I got it all down now. WOW, I Rock! Now for the “how” part…..

The nail place

The biggest luxury I let myself indulge in is getting my nails done every 3-4 weeks. I love beautiful hands...almost have a fetish for it. I started this about 2 years ago but now am not really sure what the real reason is for me to go there month after month (kinda like the "if-you-get-it-you-don’t-care-so- much-about-it-anymore" theory).
Maybe one of you can help me decide…

When I enter, I am greeted smile-lessly and the conversation begins….

Nail lady: Wo you won? (After 2 years of consistently hearing this, now I know she means, “What you want?”)
Us (my devilish alter-ego and me): Just a re-fill, please.
Nail lady: “Only re-phi? You Fee AAh Baaaaa. You Shu You No Won Pedi-Qua?” (Only refill? Your feet are bad. You sure you No want pedicure?)
As we resist the temptation to smack the person across the head, who thinks my feet are bad, we look her straight in the eyes with a smile and say, “ Nooo, too espensi”. She now knows to shut up or is too dumb to recognize the sarcasm.
Nail lady: Wo collo? (What Color?)
Us (by now she has really tickled Ms. Alter ego to the nth degree): “I don’t know, I am not sure”. And I pick 5 different colors and ask her to test each one of them on my nails.

She hates it.
I smile.

We sit. To my dismay, I notice almost everyone is thinner than me and the one right next to me is thin and pretty. I hate her instantly.

Nail lady: You have keees? (kids)
Us: Yup, 2 girls 5 and 6.
Silence for 5 minutes. They haven’t been taught anything else to ask.
Us: How about you?
Nail lady: Ya, but not in amelika.
Us: O sad.
Silence for another 5 minutes.
Now, we are getting restless. How can I shut up for so long? It’s a hard task. I have already talked to most of my girl friends and my boy friends are busy working. I get restless, so I decide to play pretend. I remember #4 on my speed dial who should be out of her office by now and with my luck will be stuck in traffic. Awesome.
I quickly hit #4.

#4: Hey
Me: Hey
Me: Did you like my book?
#4: What the heck are you talking about?
Me: I am getting my nails done. I am bored.
#4: Good lord, girl. Are you pretending?
Me: Ya. Baju wali sunn rahi hai (Person sitting next to me is listening to us)
(I whisper). And yes, you and your man are on my Acknowledgement list (a lil louder than normal).
#4: What did you write about?
Me: I don’t know. Don’t ask me stuff like that (again a whisper).
Me: (Loudly). They don’t tell you ahead of time if you will actually win the Pulitzer. Hahaha (fake laugh, mixed with a witches cackle)

By now the thin gorgeous lady is looking at me too. I gloat.
I have rubbed off on #4 well enough to make her cackle with me. But she has to go; she got off early from work today and is pulling into her driveway already.
Dang.
But I have hopes. I can get creative here. Maybe change my role.

I try #6 on speed dial.
#6: Kidhar hai tu? (Where are you?)
Me: Nails
#6: Ooh! Kaunsa Color? (Wo Collo or Go back to line 15!!!)
Me: Don’t know yet. Hee hee.
#6: Saala, Tu uss se abhi pachchees color lagvaegi na? (You will ask her to try out 25 different colors, right?)
Me: Hmmm. Maybe. Do you still have patients to see?
#6: No. I am leaving in 5. Are you done for the day?
Me: No, I have a patient with acute MI.
(For you confused souls, “acute MI” is a term I have heard repeatedly used by people in “ER” but have no clue what MI stands for).
#6: What??
Me: I have to go to Chandler Regional hospital and then Mercy Gilbert. They are prepping him now.
#6: Tu kisse bath kar rahi hai? (Who are you talking to?)
Me: Terese (You). But such is life.
I can’t control my laughter now.
Thin lady walks to wash her hands. I quickly whisper, “I am pretending to be a doc. Play with me.”
#6: Chup re. Mereko kaam hai. Bye. (Shut up, I have work to do)
Double dang …but my work was done. I didn’t know anymore medical lingo either.
I see thin gorgeous lady with perfect finger tips now smile at me. I smile back. We sit beside each other drying our nails.

Bombshell: Sorry, I couldn’t help over hear your conversations. You write and you are a doctor?
Me: Yup
Bombshell: What’s your book about?
Me: My nails are done. Why don’t you stop by at Barnes on Saturday for the book signing? You will be surprised.
I give a cool smile and I walk away highly satisfied.

Do I love my nails so much? or
Did I miss my calling as an actress??

Soulmates

I don’t have a soul mate. I think the word is highly over rated. I have a soul though and it has different sections. Each has a special person tucked in there.
Amma and Papa laid the foundation to my being. Friends did the rest. If you haven’t guessed already, this is a special Ode to the people who have "made me"... (In random order)
To my Mu-Man: The only man who has loved me so deeply, it scares me often. The biggest pillar in my life. He raised me from a pup to bitch in 365 days!! I owe him so much. Thanks for putting up with me, G.
Taught me to dust myself and move on.
To An: My best friend in the worst profession. They say an apple a day….blah.. she is my apple and ironically a doc. How do I work this out now? Hmmmm. She gives it to me straight, puts me where I need to be and vents with me. I wouldn’t die without you, A, but would hate to hit #3 on my speed dial and not find you there.
Taught me everything mu-man couldn’t.
To Vik: He actually angers me...gets the worst out in me. I don’t know why he’s so special for sure but I think it’s mainly because I see him with his daughter and the look in his eyes is irreplaceable. Ya, I think I love him is coz he is such a great daddy. I laphz you, V-man.
Taught me how stupid and good looks go hand in hand, and good looks always wins.
To VD-ya: I love to hate her. She can drive you crazy in an instant, make you wonder if she really said that aloud but is the biggest sport ever. Her pool party gets called Dhool party because of a dust storm that showed up just as we were getting into the water. We tease her no end over and over again. The max we get back is a “SHUT UP”. Now that I think of it, Vd-ya should be ranked first as she christened me YO!!! Actually created my character..SUCK IT UP, girl.
Taught me that its ok to be silly sometimes.
To Sigh-man: I have to warn you, I can go on and on about my Sigh man. He is the epitome of coolness. Hardly anything bothers him (though I have seen him “bothered” when he gets disturbed watching TV!!!)
I would love to be born to him. There are times when I call him and talk to him when I am stressed out without needing to mention anything. Talking to him calms me. “Its ok, da” makes my day.
Taught me to let go.
To Sandy: Oh the crimes I would not have committed (at least in my head) if it weren’t for this girl. She fans the fire in me.. by giggling. And man o man that instigates me like nobody’s business. The best researcher in the world, fixes things like a guy and also knows to read owners manuals for thermostats!!! (no GUY can do it but Apna sandy can!!!) Viva Las Vegas Baby!!
Taught me that all I need is a stroke in the right direction to get my meanness going wild.
To Nadu: Tirupathi, hey. My morning coffee. Head on her shoulders, the smartest thing Vik ever did. And I mean literally. :) She has stories every single day. All about the stupid people she attracts and the stupid things they say to her.
Taught me to laugh at life.
To Ruh-eeeev: Hanging out with him, made me actually not dislike the smell of cigar smoke (now it feels like home, where I am among loved ones :)… sad, huh?). Hooked me on to a whole bunch of “vices”.
Taught me that when life gives me lemons, get a tequila shot , make a margarita and invite him.

Thanks to all of you, really. For picking me up when I crumbled, being there when I needed you and didn’t need you, showing up on my doorstep at 10 pm believing I loved you , buying cul-de-sacs, going over craigslist to find me a treadmill and last but not the least, renting homes in rocky point year after year!!!! ummmmmma