Head full of crap...

..the kinda crap that makes me feel alive and kicking. I dont think its wrong. I'm done hiding and pretending about these thoughts and deeds. Here's a sneak peek into my head...

-At work I have a fake cigarette that emits a "smoke", I take it into meetings..

-I do mental pee races with guys. I enter the ladies room as they enter the guys' restroom and race them out.. I have smiled at some of them too. And they know they got beat by a girl.

- I make up movie/comedy scenes in my head..here's one

Patient to Shrink: I am very judgemental and hate myself at the end of the day
Shrink: Ok, I'll show you some random things and you tell me what the first thought in your mind is.
(looking around, finds her purse, opens it up and displays the contents to patient.. one of which is a pack of condoms).
Patient instantly: SLUT!
Shrink: Relax, take some time and think about it. In this day and age when diseases are rampant, dont you think its a good idea that I'm keeping the condom handy?
Patient thinks and nods: Safe SLUT!

This is the kind of crap that plays in my head constantly. I made this up right now (looking around and seeing one lonely condom in my purse)!

- I went with my buddy, Trav from work to Costco during lunchtime and wanted to finish my shopping first, while he wanted to pig out on the free samples. We argued, he wouldnt listen, so I made him.
I screamed, "No, Trav. I cannot marry you, I won't accept that ring, NO NO NO." Trav followed me quietly like a puppy dog.

- Made some kheer-prasad for a good Jain (vegeterian and non-alcohol drinking) friend BUT didn't tell her it was made of rice and Bailey's Irish creme and fed it to her. (I'm surprised she didn't kill me later when her speech got slurry).

- I talk to people in their own accents. (I can't help it, it sounds like I'm mocking them, but it actually comes out naturally).

- I told this to the maid who came to "see" my house and give me a quote but ended up wrinkling her nose and saying "O God" so many times.
"That's why you are the maid and have to do the dirty job while I get my nails done".

Not so bad, huh? But pretty crappy, I say...

Absolutely not my work...

I could not let this one go. If I need this, I think everyone deserves it too, especially on a Friday. I can't take credit for it at all except that I found it...real funny stuff.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays?max_id=3608037327&page=2&twttr=true

Actions speak....

No one says he/she loves me!!!
I have felt this for years and have constantly moaned about it. Yesterday, made a dent in that.
I got laid off! And of course, the first thing I thought about was "These guys don't love me".
I called Mu-man and as soon as he heard me, he told someone in the meeting he was attending, "Guys, I gotta go!" 10 minutes later he was by my side, feeding me fish tacos (food is the solution to all problems, drinks too), and making it all go away.
I spoke to my best boy friend, Ra who he offered to be with me, take me to Tilted Kilt for some beer and chat with me. Later he left me a VM recording of "Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi me koi...." He stopped by and called a couple more times to make sure I was OK. ( or maybe to make sure I wasn't drinking without him).
My best girl friend, Sandy, said the right words, offered to help clean up my resume, talked to me like she was going through it, knew my pains and basically was right there.
Ann, my life.. one who I may marry one day, told me how it was great news and this just meant I needed to do what I was born to do..work with people, be with people and just basically find a job that was around and about people.
VD-ya confirmed her faith in me.
Mani-da called and sighed and then we laughed, Aashe sent such a supportive email...
Vicki sent me 4 leads and tons of wise words that I will always cherish. Lex texted and bitched with me, Cloud sent practical details of what I should do, my manager who had no clue about the lay off, called and offered to be a reference whenever needed. The calls, emails, FB notes are pouring in...(God help my family when I die).
BUT.......
No one said I LOVE YOU....everyone showed me how much.

To quote Jerry Maguire..." You complete me."
Thank you for being you, guys.

I found some one who could shut me up!

So, I had a chat with Shaant on periods. I explained with a straight face what happens, how often, for how long etc. She patiently listened to me and asked me why it happens.
Me: Coz its nature's way of getting you ready to have babies.
Shaant: Since I know I don't want babies, can I maaf this? (my baby has started using my lingo!!)

Then I went on to explain the emotional changes she will go through and that Amma will probably be her best friend and talk her through most issues and that she could share anything with me.
Shaant: I do have something I feel I should share with you.
Me: OK, whats up?
Shaant: No, maybe not.
Me (heart pounding): No, its OK. Lets try this one.
Shaant (slowly): I really really feel it in my heart that I should get the latest Nintendo DS-I!!

I just full-stopped at that. Period gaya khadde me.

Amma, I'm gay!

Sanj, my 7 year old cuddled-up to me, gave me a hug and said, "Amma, I love you. I'm gay."

FLASHBACK.......

Every show we had been watching on TV had reference to homosexuality and everytime someone said "gay", the gals would ask me what that meant. For over 2 years, I explained it as "happy". A few months ago, my almost 9 year old wouldn't take "happy" for an answer.
She insisted.
I cringed and gave in.
I kept it as "high-level" as I could and muttered something about "when men like men and women like women....."

I owe the above statement by Sanj to my explanation.
(POP!!.. that was another gay..oops grey hair!)

Viagra -Part 2

OK, that wasn't the whole truth. Here's the real deal...the what I said and what I meant version of it.

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. TRUE

I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. COZ I COULDNT FIT INTO MOST OF THEM!

I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I ONLY HAVE 2 MOVES THAT I COPIED FROM THE OTHER GALS.

I knew who I would make out with I HAVE A LIST OF 'EM.. NOT SO SURE IF IT WOULD BE 2-WAY

and who I would end up with. THE MU-MAN.. WHO AM I KIDDING!

I picked up my favorite booze. WHICH COULD BE ANY OF THEM, DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A PREFERENCE.

I ate nothing. YA, RIGHT!!

I started with a shot. TRUE ....AND A MARGARITA.. IN EACH HAND

I danced to spread the fluid all over. TRUE

I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. TRUE

No "high" this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi?? TRUE

Viagra?

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I knew who I would make out with and who I would end up with.
I picked up my favorite booze. I ate nothing. I started with a shot. I danced to spread the fluid all over. I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. No high this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi??