Friday Shrink

Really?

2011-02-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm not explaining my absence.
Had written this a few weeks ago...

So, I craved for sakkarai pongal and incidentally it was Pongal/Sankrathi last week. I went to Sand's crockpot recipe and started the process. If you notice, she has Paal payasam listed first and Sakkarai Pongal later. Well, my scroll bar got messed up and I ended up adding a gallon of milk (from the paal payasam recipe) instead of almost half the amount of liquid she suggested.
End result was a mushy goo that looked like mud, had the fragrance of nothing and had an after taste of Tharti Paal.
I was depressed but Mu-man made sure I cried by saying..
"Yeh gaajar ka halwa thoda fraud hai na?"

And you guys think I should be nice to him??

TRIDENT!!

2010-04-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sanj makes random comments. But this week was special.. extra special!! We have Trident in our lives and this is what she has to say about him.
- He is a baby and very much like me. If he doesn't want to eat, dont force him.
- He waved at me and I think he wanted to smile too, but Akka walked in and that made him stop.
- Take him to bed with you, he may have nighmares.
- I think right now he's dreaming.
- Does he need to brush his teeth?

Shaant was excited beyond words...
- I want to feed him.
- I want to feed him before Sanj.
- When will I get to feed him?
- Ok, amma.. you asked me to feed him, but can you do it today please? I have to pee.

I think...
- He hears my voice and comes up to me.
- Blows lil kisses.
- Senses my presence and eats only when I talk to him and feed him.
- Loves when I call him "ma babyyy".

Mu man says-
- Make sure he is well marinated by the time I get home! SLURP!!

My little TRIDENT ...

The wind beneath my wings....

2010-04-23T09:22:00.002-07:00

... Well, maybe not wings.. more like huge flippers.So, does that make it "water beneath my flippers?" Or should I call it "land beneath my feet"? Coz really I don't fly ...or for that matter swim (well, I swim but not to go places.. mainly as a recreation). You know what, I say all of the above. Because...
-when I am high, she flies with me.
-when I am drowning, shes my buoy (which is saying a lot coz I can be pretty heavy).
-when I am running. she keeps my feet firm, smiles from afar and lets me run.

To a very special Sand, Happy Birthday BFF!
Looking forward to many more years of laughter, vacations and sandanistas shots!

X-ray results of my brain...

2010-04-09T09:06:00.002-07:00

NOTE: Do not jump into any conclusions. I am not dying.. not without killing a select few...

Ok, so.. I have been busy and just not motivated to write. But then Life has it's weird sense of humor that I just couldn't resist capturing...
-Talked to a friend about nursing and lactation.
-Another friend, N called last night and I realized that I haven't spoken to her in months though we live in the same neighborhood and I was guilt struck.
- The fact that I am fat still shows its ugly head every once in a while.

All these triggered this...A nightmare.
Apparently N had a baby, but being sooo petite, could only make so much milk. I, on the other hand, started gorging up just by the thought!! So N decided that the baby could nurse or she could use the extra milk to make paneer!!!!! (I know, I know.. beyond YUCKK). She puts a bottle of about 5 ounces of milk on the table, next to my gallon. V-dya walks in and says, "N's milk looks fat free, look at this fatso's gallon.. we should make Ras Malai!"

Just shoot me now, please?

Was I wrong???

2010-03-26T09:40:00.002-07:00

Mu-man is going on a BIGGGG hiking trip and has been buying gadgets that I didnt know existed.
-A UV pen that converts 40 ounces of any water into oil.. ok, no drinkable water (was just checking if you were paying attention).
-A torchlight that has an inbuilt alarm clock and barometer.
-A watch that shows time!! (Ok, sorry..still checking!)
He shows me this and says, "Can you believe this is a piece of underwear? Look at it and figure out how to wear it!"

Me: "It looks like a pre stuffed bra for a 5 year old!"
Mu-man: " O come on.. be realistic. You can figure it out.. look at it again!"

Me: "O I know, Ball warmer!!!"

Mu-man: "Very close...eyeball warmer".

What's in a name?

2010-02-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Absolute yumm friend who has never entered the kitchen is forced to live by himself. He ate out every day and then realized he can't afford to and needs to get healthy.
Convo:
He: Yedi, I can't believe it!! I can't believe it!
Me: wot?
He: I made something. I created my own recipe. I'm soo proud of myself.
Me: wotcha do?
He: I chopped cucumbers and tomatoes. Added salt and pepper.
Me: okkkk.....
He: And get this... dumped a small container of yogurt and mixed it all in!!!! Not bad, huh?

Me: Ya, it's called raita, yeda!
Pause.....

He: %&^#%$ ! Pura uthar detha hai tu, Yedi!!! BYE!!

New old friends

2010-02-05T10:29:00.003-07:00

Thanks to the big social network site, I found a whole bunch of kids I grew up with in Bombay!! It has been a blast from the past and when I call them, every 2 sentences ends up in giggles. I'm known to have great long term memory and these guys have been opening up more and more of my memory related cells and the laughter in my world has been beyond YUMMM!
To FB! love the way you connect the dots of my life! :)
************************************************
Langotiya Yaar says,"Tu pagal tha.. abhi Khatarnaak Maha Pagal hua hai!" (Translation does not do justice to these words but roughly it means," You were always crazy...now you are a Dangerous and Bigger Crazy!)
Could I get a bigger compliment!! :)
************************************************
Another sweetheart fuels my fire. Convo via Gtalk:
S: Hi yedi (yedi in Bombaiyya= vedi in Marathi= crazy in English)
Guddi: HI!!!!!!!
S: What ghazal are you listening to?
Guddi: (!!!!) 'Aap ki yaad aathi rahi'.. but can't figure out what 'chashmanamm' means. My heads reeling. Looked all over the Internet and Farsi translation sites...
S: Yedi, it's 'chashm-e-namm'...meaning Eyes-e-moist!!
Guddi: OMG, I love you!!!! Marry me?
S: Bye, yedi!
*************************************************
Chikoo has a 5 year old baby gal. Convo:
Tia: Guddi aunty, aaj ten baje mera birthday hai! (It's my birthday at 10 o clock today!)
Guddi: Can I come?
Tia: Lekin, Mere yahan Sun hai...(But, I can see the Sun here...)
Guddi: Tho? (So?)
Tia: Mamma said, "When the Sun comes out here, the Moon comes out in Guddi Aunty's house!"
***************************************************
My fav. bacha (baby) friend, Seem had Kabir 2 weeks ago:
Email read:
Guddi di,
aap Paati ho gaya. (You just became a Grandma). My Kabir is here....
***************************************************

Life's good, da! Life is fuckin good! Blowing some yumminess for all of you...

My perfect day!!..I top you TPL!! :)

2010-01-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

My best friend, Cloud and I went to Elmers Taco and our order got screwed up. We didn’t check before we brought it back to work and noticed his box said “no lettuce” though none of us had asked for it. We ate at at our respective desks….

Conversation through IM:

Cloud:
i have no idea what i'm eating
Guddi [12:07 PM]:
im so sorry. mine isnt that great either... but i bet its better than urs
u want the one that i havent touched yet?
Cloud [12:07 PM]:
no thanks, it's all you
it's not bad, just not sure what it is
Guddi [12:08 PM]:
urs is a cheese taco i think. no meat, no lettuce. m dunking mine in n the salsa so my mouth wont dry. u sure u dont want mine?
Cloud, [12:08 PM]:
i'm sure, and mine does have meat
Guddi [12:08 PM]:
o ok
Guddi [12:09 PM]:
why did u say no lettuce?
Cloud,[12:09 PM]:
i din't
Guddi [12:09 PM]:
dont u like lettuce?
Cloud,[12:11 PM]:
ok so, let me try again, i did not ask for no lettuce. it's not even our order remember
Guddi [12:12 PM]:
then why did they say no lettuce
Guddi [12:12 PM]:
they do it only when u ask for no lettuce.
maybe its that stuff u talked in spanish.. maybe that translated to no lettuce.
Cloud, [12:13 PM]:
which part of it's not our order is confusing to you? its not our order
Guddi [12:13 PM]:
i just dont get why you dont like lettuce...unless you are allergic to it?
are you? ive never heard of anyone being allergic to lettuce
Cloud, [12:14 PM]:
ok, i'll try one more time....IT"S NOT OUR ORDER!!! so whatever it is i did or did not ask for is irrelavant. We didnt' get what i ordered, or what you ordered.... i didn't say anything at all about lettuce.
IT"S NOT OUR ORDER
Guddi [12:16 PM]:
o so you ordered this WITH lettuce and they mistook you for WITHOUT lettuce. u know you shud just not say anything about lettuce next time.. maybe it normally comes with it so they misunderstood??
Cloud, [12:16 PM]:
IT"S NOT OUR ODER. I SAID NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY REGARDING LETTUCE
Guddi [12:17 PM]:
oder?? u mean odor? your food stinks?
Guddi [12:18 PM]:
baby...
Guddi [12:18 PM]:
i love you... very very much. with or without lettuce

SILENCE!!! ....
The only thing that shuts him up.
Don't you love my Cloud? :)

Teaser...

2010-01-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's my friend SubmarineMan's bday next week. 3 couples are putting together a skit in honor of this occassion. I can't disclose details.. but here are a few things he has said in the past that we plan to rip, tear and shred to pieces....

1. There is no F sound in Phillipino lingo.. so I guess they just Uck!

2. His wife finds Ranjit (yes, that oldie villian very OOOO) and he says," What do you like so much about him? All he does is rape!"

3. He claims Sujit Kumar is a wanna be rapist who only waits outside covering for Prem Chopra. His resume reads
"Seeking challenging position as Senior Rapist".
Qualifications:
Held doors shut ensuring victim does not escape.
10 years of experience in watching, now seeking hands on experience..

4. He knows everything about everything.. yup.. thats what I said..EVERYTHING. Pick a topic..he'll tell you about the year, statistics around it, why, when and how about it.

Sorry, not a true funny.. but I'm gonna try and and see if I can add the script here in the next couple of weeks...

All in the family

2010-01-15T09:59:00.005-07:00

My nephew's story writing skills-
One day there was a tiger. He had a friend called Lion. Both were best friends and very hungry. They were looking for food and saw a deer. They ran after the deer but he was very fast. After running for a long time, they both got tired. Then suddenly the tiger had an idea. He jumped on the lion and ate him.

Moral of the story: Foolish Lion!
(Sand, next time we go out, please let me know if you are hungry ahead of time, ok?)

PS: This is a home-made story.
(Versus bought from Laxmi stores?)

It's a friend eat friend world out there, what can I say!

*********************************************************

Last night when Mu man came back home from a neighboring state, Sanj hugged him and said, " Papa, are you gonna be Flag-Staffed like Ajja and Mamama when they come from India?"

Jetlag doesn't even rhyme with Flagstaff, small!!

And yes, we train them young in my family of crazies!! :)

Bhoothnath

2010-01-08T08:37:00.001-07:00

Shaant has been having weird thoughts about ghosts. So, I spent an hour last night laying down beside her and explaining with all my heart that there are no such things as ghosts, that whatever people claim to see or hear is all in their heads, that dim lights and silence plays a big role in making things sound weird.. blah, blah. Finally, she hugs me and goes off to sleep and I doze off as well. By the time I wake up it's 1 am and decide to go back to my bedroom. As I was closing her bedroom door, I hear something. I smile and shrug. I even think," O, that ghost is going to his momma claiming he saw fat human!" I hear it again. It was weird, almost like a "SSSSS.. TOK". I contemplate going back to Shaant's room so she doesn't wake up scared. I hold on to her door knob and hear it again .."SSSSS...TOK, SSSSS...TOK". I am about close to screaming but I walk a couple more steps.
It's FIL ...snoring!! ARGH!
So I walk towards my bedroom, the "SSSS...TOK" slowly fading away. By the time I reach the living room, I hear "SSSS... TOK" a lil louder and with every step it gets louder and louder. Now my heart is ready to jump out from anywhere it can. I freeze.. my mind running in several different directions.. back to Shaant? get the lights? call 911? go towards the "SSSS...TOK"? .. Yes, thats it. Towards the "SSSS.. TOK".

It was my FIL's son!! Same exact "SSSS... TOK"!!! I could strangle Mu-Man.
Why can't these guys go with the traditional "Grrrr... Hissss"???

I'm Thankful for...

2010-01-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

...No, this is not one of those "thank you" notes to my friends and family or a delayed Thanksgiving post. It's actually to God for creating these souls whose sole purpose in life is to amuse me. I can almost hear God's
words to them as he sends them on their journey to Earth.. "Go my children, make Guddi's life as blissful as you can. It isn't a hard job as she believes everyone around her is stupid and she is the smartest ass around, just make sure she finds you."... or something to that effect.

I am thankful for--
-The lead I work with who insists on pronouncing S with a Sh sound. But he is not always consistent, there seems to be a rule to it..
If 1st alphabet of word =S and/or
Number of S in the word = 1
Then pronounciation = Ss,
Else Sh.
Eg: Syshtematic, Startsh, Jusht, Lasht, Sandsh, Ashaaan, Shtarry (because you have only 1 S)etc.

- The random person who sends me an evite to attend a Lovely Dinner Party at her house without introducing herself. Evite further asks to get a "fabulous"dish. Now why the Eff am I gonna cook to make her dinner party lovely? Doesn't she know just my presence will make it perfect?? Seriously, people need to catch up with my reputation!
(BTW, out of the 6 people invited 4 declined, 2 didnt respond-party cancelled)

- Old man Chuck who sat across from me at work and farted his way to glory! The rest of us cube-ies would IM each other the sounds and discuss and argue about what he may have eaten. The new gal Crystal was made to sit on the other side of the wall from him and walked in one morning to hear Chuck rrripp it out. I swear I heard Crystal scream, "O Sweet Jesus!" in utter shock! Sharri, who sat kitty-corner from him started spraying air freshner over Chuck's head.

Need I say more?
Lord, bless these people with more lisps, stupidness and gas. They do bring me a lot of joy.

J for Jealous...

2009-12-26T11:40:00.001-07:00

So jealous. O so freaken jealous. This group of gals I know. They seem to have everything. Here's their life in a nutshell...
-SAHMs and very happy about it.
-Weekly lunches with GFs, sometimes twice.
-Bi-monthly mani-pedis
-Activities for the day- organizing play dates, traveling/hiking mid week, baking
-Weekends-Parties

-Parties-Invites from the rich and famous

-Invites- Theme party that includes napkins and silverware matching the theme too.
-Dress code- Specifically bought outfit to go with the theme.
-Greeting- the 3 Muahs
-Kids say- Namasthe and Thank you
-Other Weekends-Clubbing and bar hopping

*****Now lets compare that to my life******

-WMAOM (work my ass off mom) and very happy about it.
-Weekly bitching with GFs, ~~sometimes~~ always daily.
-Activities for the day- work, ordering kids around to clean up, travels (in the car) to swim/gym/paino lessons, ~~baking~~ re-heating food in microwave.
-Weekends-~~Parties~~.. Chilling out with people I adore.
-Parties- Impropmtu invites from my Soulmates
- Invites- Always personal. Conversation goes like this..
Soulmate: hey
Me: hey
Soulmate: whats up?
Me: Don't know what I should make for dinner.
Soulmate: I have spaghetti sauce from last week and uncooked spaghetti
Me: I have cheese and can get garlic bread.
Soulmate: I have some chicken links we can throw in there.
Me: Should we ask other Soulmate to get some wine
Soulmate: Yup
Me: My house?
Soulmate: No her's, its been 3 days we haven't been there.
Me: OK
Soulmate: OK, I'll let other soulmate know we will be there in 1 hour, this will give her enough time to chill the wine.
ME: Chal bye. Milthe hain.

- Dress Code- old XL T shirt and yoga pants/ jammies. No one bats an eyelid.
- Greeting- "गधा, इतना लेट क्यूं आया?" (Donkey, why did you come so late?), or "उल्लू, खाना साइड में रख और २ ग्लास फटाफट मार्के आ, हमलोग काफी टुन्न है already."( Idiot, put whatever you brought to the side and drink up 2 glasses quickly since we are already high)
- Kids say: Can I stay over? Can my friend come over?
-Other weekends: Clubbing...uhh, Costco or Sam's Club-bing!

Now, you see why THEY are sooo Jealous?

Till death do us part....

2009-12-18T09:39:00.001-07:00

This year a friend is hosting the Christmas party with an international potluck theme. I sent her a note saying that I may have people visiting that day and would like to sign up for dessert-which she mentioned in her signup email to all of us. VD-ya goes and right royally signs up for walnut cake and sugar cookies. So I respond to the sign up sheet saying I'll get pasta and send it through some one if I can't make it on time, and also add a comment about VD-ya's "reading skills". 3.7 seconds later VD-ya calls me apologizing, justifying, trying to switch back blah blah. (I don't know why she fears me or thinks she needs to appease the goddess in me-I don't scare you, do I?)
Conversation:
Me: It's ok.
VD-ya : No, I can get the pasta, you make the dessert.
Me: It doesn't matter, I have ingredients for either and don't feel like changing again.
VD-ya : Ok, but if you feel like changing, just let me know and we can swap.
Me: Ya, whatever.
VD-ya : Itna daratha hai tu mereko...You won't let me die in peace too, will you? You may be the one haunting me, not the other way around.
Me: When will you die? It better not be in December..too many parties plus my bday. I ain't ruining them for your shok sabha.
VD-ya : Kamina! So then Jan. is ok? after New Year party?
Me: No, Mu-man's bday ,Valentines day, Spring break, Sand's bday, Shaant's bday....Umm.. How about June 1st week? We can be sad for a couple of weeks and then we need to plan for a vacation during 4th of July weekend.

Dial tone......
Whaaa!!!

Of donkeys and mules

2009-12-11T09:16:00.003-07:00

I guess I say "ass" a lot. So, Shaant said I would have to pay a nickel everytime her Papa and me swore. I asked, "To who?"
She didn't know, so she shut up.
Mu-man gave me a Hi-five!!

*****************************************************
Conversation:
Me (watching TV): Stupid ass, cannot even say his dialogues right!
Shaant: A nickel, amma.
Me (completely ignoring her): Stupid show.
Shaant: That's a nickel too.
Sanj: Akka, we'll be millionaires if we collect a nickel for every word.
Sanj: Amma, what's another word for donkey?
Me: Ass
Shaant: Nickel!!
Me: Smart ass.
Shaant n Sanj: Nickel!!
Me: O shut up.
Shaant n Sanj: NICKLE!!
Me : *$#*$!! Here's a blank cheque!

Fantasies....

2009-12-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

Saw some bucket lists and got inspired. Mine are just pure fantasies coz I ain't kicking the bucket anytime soon. I laugh too much for that crap to happen to me this early. I don't have any "achievements" kinda list...things just sorta happen to me and I go with the flow. I don't think I'll do much to achieve the list below too, but if it does happen, I have a place to come and check. So, here goes...

I want to have an affair (not the sexual kind) but the sparks-flying-off-in-the-tensed-room kind. (for real, not just in my head with XXX).
I want to win an award and give a speech. (for real, not in front of the mirror)
I want to be able to sing my favorite ghazals (for real, not in the bathroom)
I want to be on stage-dance/drama-Umrao Jaan related. (for now I practice the Salaam everyday)
I want to be thin and wear white linen/cotton dresses. (HA!)
I want to move to Kuaui, Hawaii and start a Bed and Breakfast place. (Oooh!)
I want to live alone for a couple of months. (but not have do any tax crap)
I want to be a licensed masseuse. (if someone sponsors me)
I want to live close to my loved ones even after the gals have flown the nest. (cul-de-sac, Sand?)
I want to give away everything I have slowly and live a minimalistic lifestyle. (only after I turn 70, ok?)
I want my gals to be good human beings. (Thank God for Mu Man's strong genes)
I want to see the Mu-man relaxed and at peace. (Then I can die peacefully)

To be contd.....

You know you are in trouble when....

2009-11-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

1. You smile and your cheeks block half the view by partially (or fully) covering your eyes. (Come on, I ain't looking, try it, try it).

2. You fit into a Medium sized jacket happily and then realize, the damn thing was pulled from the Maternity rack.

3. Your daily routine includes powdering your tummy tires to avoid chaffing.

4. You don't need a pedicure but you get it done anyway, coz you can't reach your toe nails without having to adjust 50 million times while clipping them.

5. Your kids laying on you reminds you of the scene in Jurassic Park where she lays her head on the sick dino's belly-moving up and down with the breathing.

6. You never fear that your boobs will reach your knees someday.. because the belly will act as a HURDLE!

7. Walking to the vending machine is your "activity" for the day.

8. Walking from the parking lot to destination (usually work) knowing you are a lil late, is your cardio for the day.

9. Your other half calls you Xena-warrior princess, not because you are sexy but because your bra now looks like her armor!

10. Body parts resemble food-pizza dough tummy, jello jiggle, donut butt-basically anything soft and fluffy.

11. You don't think "Yo mama's so fat-" jokes are funny coz they really apply to you.

12. You google to check if Somalia has opened doors to a Fat donation center yet and are first on their list of donors in any case. (Your VISA is ready and you have an open ticket to the place).

Guys, I think it's time for me to smoke, err eat grass ......

How many times a week?

2009-11-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

The question, "How many times a week do you do it?" always gets me. 'Week'? Seriously, that's the new rage these days? 'Week'?
Let me sum it up in 2 sentences...
1. We have 2 gals who are in some activity or the other every day of the week, that does not end until 8pm.
2. We wake up before 6am every day and our busy busy days don't end till 10 pm.

Which means...
1. We qualify big time for any kind of leisure activity and relaxation.
2. We have enough time after 10pm.
3. We are young, healthy and fairly energetic.

So, next time ask me," How many times a day?" and stop insulting me by using the word "week" for heavens sake!! If in doubt, come see my face... I don't wear make-up, its the natural blush!

She knows what she wants...

2009-11-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have my Mamama's (maternal grandma) genes. I love my people and enjoy talking. I know what I want and will be pretty animated about stuff I am not interested in. I get bored very easily and have a sharp tongue when samne wala doesnt have the brains to read my body language. I think I can enact my Mamama better with actions than words but I want to capture her and everything she stands for. Some random memories when I think "Mamama".

-She hardly ever told us stories

But she reads these Kannada magazines while she dozes off a lil on lazy afternoons and shares her opinions and some funny cartoons to shut us up from bothering her.

-No hugs or kisses or excitement to see us

But everytime I sit by her and hug her, she first pushes me away saying, " You are not a kid anymore, stop kissing me." And then squeezes me hand saying,"Its been so long since I saw you."

-Most gifts given to her are accepted with a ton of skepticism and an expression that said it all.

But these days she asks for "Efferdent" for her dentures and is very grateful that thats all I will send and "not waste my husband's money on her".

-No major show of gift giving or hand made woollens like grandmas make.

But every year for our birthdays my younger sister and I got dark colored nighties because she claimed we were tomboys and didnt care where we sat and always had some patch or the other on our butts and the dark nighty would "conceal" it. My goody 2 shoes older sister got the peaches, whites and pretty ones coz she was O so perfect.(She still sends them to me every time my Amma visits).

- She played favorites among the grandkids and only had a nick name for our oldest sister. The rest of us were "keelluh" (critters).

But everytime I visited, all my favorites were cooked. I mean ALL of them. There was no loving way of serving it, but I was amazed how she remembered each one our favorite foods. If the other cousin's visited with me, all of their favorites were made too.

-No conversations revolving wisdom or advice.

Most of our conversations are around when she will die! Now, now, I'm not that bad (OK, I know I am, but hear me out...)

I ask her to come over and she says,"I'm too old to travel and dont care to visit a foreign country so much. Your Ajja would have loved it if he was still alive. He should have lived and I should have died.".......Now, tell me how can I let this go, so I play along and say,"That's soo true. It would have been great with him. So when are you planning on dying?" So now everytime I call her, she makes sure she starts off with," Hello, I'm still alive!! Anikai marni!"--(havent died yet).

-Makes any special occassion a nightmare because we have to pick a Sari for her. And she will only wear darker shades of black, maroon, brown, maroonish-brown, blackish-brown, brownish-black and brownish-maroon!! No lines, no stripes, no similar patterns that will make her nauseous, no patli pallu, no belgaum sari, no blouse piece included, no bird patterns (Her words,"aiiio Moru (peacock), aiio Keeru (parrot))", generally saris given by extended family are discarded without even looking at because she thinks they themselves are too ugly and wear ugly-ass Saris, how can they pick something decent for her!

But she makes sure she PROUDLY tells everyone that the Sari she's wearing was given to her by one of us.

I love it...and her a little bit.

The Coming...that came!

2009-11-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

O ya, I noticed how fast you clicked the mouse to read the story of "coming".

But truly it was much anticipated, longed for, waited for with bated breath. Something had happened to me and I was contemplating to go seek professional help too. It made me irritated and angry and no fun to be around. I tried relaxing, having a couple of glasses of wine (all that did was take the frustration off a little bit), talked to Mu-man at length about it. He tried different techiniques and tried to relax me and as you know for most women, its all in the head and based on my previous posts, you know the crap that goes on in my head! I thought this was it. No more for me, I was done before hitting 40! More depression.

And then, at a party a few weeks ago, someone mentioned Alex and how good Alex was and how Alex was soo satisfying. So, Mu man actually hunted down Alex's number and said, " Go for it, I dont care how expensive Alex is, but I want your old self back. I need you, the kids need you." I never thought I would need help on this front but knew better than to pass up a chance like this.

Alex came over Sunday morning with her sister Maria and mom Anna and cleaned my house.

I think I just... "arrived".

Was just born this way....

2009-11-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

...The previous post had me thinking about when I not only turned into a meanie but became so proud of it too. My Ma said I was the sweetest thing and openly gave and was generous and considerate. I guess eventually puberty decided to say "Get Real!"
Some memories....
-Ms. Dandapani who lived a couple buildings from me in Bombay. We teased her "thanda pani (cold water)" and then I added " thanda pani garam pani" (cold water-hot water) to make it rhyme and then again I added "you dont pay your electricty bills, so you dont have hot water and now your name is Thandapani!!!" I soon got bored of it and realised that she was getting plump and her eyes were big almost to the point of bulging. So, Nish and me decided to call her Moti Billi (fat cat). Soon the entire area was calling her MotiBilli Thanda Pani!! Nish, what's her real name, ya?

-Kunj and me were always on the plumper side and there was this guy named Sanjay who had no business talking to us but decided to come over and call us Moti (fat). We ignored it a few times but then realized he just wouldnt stop. He was Albino and we were nice to him before this. After 2-3 times of being called Moti, we decided to call him American Sanjay! politically, soooo incorrect, na? .. but HE started it!!

-Nish thought neighboring building ka Susila (actually we dont know her name but there were a couple of Susila's in that building, so we named every girl that walked out of that place 'Susila')... Anyway, she thought Susila had stolen their Tulsi plant. So the 2 of us decided to hide behind buildings and trees everytime she was around and say " Tulsi Chor" (thief of the tulsi plant) in the most ghost like voice.. it was supposed to be her conscience!! This went on for years. I did it again about 4 years ago when I went back to Bombay. Though I was alone I hid behind a truck , tucking shaant and sanj behind me and making it all come back for her!! :P evil.. pure evil!!

I wish I could show my gleaming eyes!!

Head full of crap...

2009-10-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

..the kinda crap that makes me feel alive and kicking. I dont think its wrong. I'm done hiding and pretending about these thoughts and deeds. Here's a sneak peek into my head...

-At work I have a fake cigarette that emits a "smoke", I take it into meetings..

-I do mental pee races with guys. I enter the ladies room as they enter the guys' restroom and race them out.. I have smiled at some of them too. And they know they got beat by a girl.

- I make up movie/comedy scenes in my head..here's one

Patient to Shrink: I am very judgemental and hate myself at the end of the day
Shrink: Ok, I'll show you some random things and you tell me what the first thought in your mind is.
(looking around, finds her purse, opens it up and displays the contents to patient.. one of which is a pack of condoms).
Patient instantly: SLUT!
Shrink: Relax, take some time and think about it. In this day and age when diseases are rampant, dont you think its a good idea that I'm keeping the condom handy?
Patient thinks and nods: Safe SLUT!

This is the kind of crap that plays in my head constantly. I made this up right now (looking around and seeing one lonely condom in my purse)!

- I went with my buddy, Trav from work to Costco during lunchtime and wanted to finish my shopping first, while he wanted to pig out on the free samples. We argued, he wouldnt listen, so I made him.
I screamed, "No, Trav. I cannot marry you, I won't accept that ring, NO NO NO." Trav followed me quietly like a puppy dog.

- Made some kheer-prasad for a good Jain (vegeterian and non-alcohol drinking) friend BUT didn't tell her it was made of rice and Bailey's Irish creme and fed it to her. (I'm surprised she didn't kill me later when her speech got slurry).

- I talk to people in their own accents. (I can't help it, it sounds like I'm mocking them, but it actually comes out naturally).

- I told this to the maid who came to "see" my house and give me a quote but ended up wrinkling her nose and saying "O God" so many times.
"That's why you are the maid and have to do the dirty job while I get my nails done".

Not so bad, huh? But pretty crappy, I say...

Absolutely not my work...

2009-08-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

I could not let this one go. If I need this, I think everyone deserves it too, especially on a Friday. I can't take credit for it at all except that I found it...real funny stuff.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays?max_id=3608037327&page=2&twttr=true

Actions speak....

2009-08-05T19:52:00.001-07:00

No one says he/she loves me!!!
I have felt this for years and have constantly moaned about it. Yesterday, made a dent in that.
I got laid off! And of course, the first thing I thought about was "These guys don't love me".
I called Mu-man and as soon as he heard me, he told someone in the meeting he was attending, "Guys, I gotta go!" 10 minutes later he was by my side, feeding me fish tacos (food is the solution to all problems, drinks too), and making it all go away.
I spoke to my best boy friend, Ra who he offered to be with me, take me to Tilted Kilt for some beer and chat with me. Later he left me a VM recording of "Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi me koi...." He stopped by and called a couple more times to make sure I was OK. ( or maybe to make sure I wasn't drinking without him).
My best girl friend, Sandy, said the right words, offered to help clean up my resume, talked to me like she was going through it, knew my pains and basically was right there.
Ann, my life.. one who I may marry one day, told me how it was great news and this just meant I needed to do what I was born to do..work with people, be with people and just basically find a job that was around and about people.
VD-ya confirmed her faith in me.
Mani-da called and sighed and then we laughed, Aashe sent such a supportive email...
Vicki sent me 4 leads and tons of wise words that I will always cherish. Lex texted and bitched with me, Cloud sent practical details of what I should do, my manager who had no clue about the lay off, called and offered to be a reference whenever needed. The calls, emails, FB notes are pouring in...(God help my family when I die).
BUT.......
No one said I LOVE YOU....everyone showed me how much.

To quote Jerry Maguire..." You complete me."
Thank you for being you, guys.

I found some one who could shut me up!

2009-05-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, I had a chat with Shaant on periods. I explained with a straight face what happens, how often, for how long etc. She patiently listened to me and asked me why it happens.
Me: Coz its nature's way of getting you ready to have babies.
Shaant: Since I know I don't want babies, can I maaf this? (my baby has started using my lingo!!)

Then I went on to explain the emotional changes she will go through and that Amma will probably be her best friend and talk her through most issues and that she could share anything with me.
Shaant: I do have something I feel I should share with you.
Me: OK, whats up?
Shaant: No, maybe not.
Me (heart pounding): No, its OK. Lets try this one.
Shaant (slowly): I really really feel it in my heart that I should get the latest Nintendo DS-I!!

I just full-stopped at that. Period gaya khadde me.

Amma, I'm gay!

2009-02-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

Sanj, my 7 year old cuddled-up to me, gave me a hug and said, "Amma, I love you. I'm gay."

FLASHBACK.......

Every show we had been watching on TV had reference to homosexuality and everytime someone said "gay", the gals would ask me what that meant. For over 2 years, I explained it as "happy". A few months ago, my almost 9 year old wouldn't take "happy" for an answer.
She insisted.
I cringed and gave in.
I kept it as "high-level" as I could and muttered something about "when men like men and women like women....."

I owe the above statement by Sanj to my explanation.
(POP!!.. that was another gay..oops grey hair!)

Viagra -Part 2

2009-01-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

OK, that wasn't the whole truth. Here's the real deal...the what I said and what I meant version of it.

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. TRUE

I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. COZ I COULDNT FIT INTO MOST OF THEM!

I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I ONLY HAVE 2 MOVES THAT I COPIED FROM THE OTHER GALS.

I knew who I would make out with I HAVE A LIST OF 'EM.. NOT SO SURE IF IT WOULD BE 2-WAY

and who I would end up with. THE MU-MAN.. WHO AM I KIDDING!

I picked up my favorite booze. WHICH COULD BE ANY OF THEM, DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A PREFERENCE.

I ate nothing. YA, RIGHT!!

I started with a shot. TRUE ....AND A MARGARITA.. IN EACH HAND

I danced to spread the fluid all over. TRUE

I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. TRUE

No "high" this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi?? TRUE

Viagra?

2009-01-06T22:18:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for New Year's eve since Jan. 1st, like I normally do. I had shopped and returned and tried and tested innumerable outfits. I knew my moves to all the songs that would be played that night. I knew who I would make out with and who I would end up with.
I picked up my favorite booze. I ate nothing. I started with a shot. I danced to spread the fluid all over. I only ended up being marinated in the liquor ready to be thrown on the grill. No high this year. Sala impotency ithna jaldi??

BOGO

2008-12-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Buy One Get One free!!! And I got a great deal. Twice over. And the best part..I didn't pay for the One (or in this case both). I walked out, just like that, with 4 of my favorites. As usual, no guilt or remorse. No turning back.

I can't remember life without Kunj and Chikoo, my chaddi dosts and with them I got their lil sisters, my free maal- Cheem and Tots. Don't really know which set I love more but knowing I have them, though thousands of miles away and writing to them every day, and sharing my life with them is the biggest treasure I have.

Kunj- I love her more because I know she loves me morer!
Nish- My conscience. Not that that stops me from being bad. ;)
Cheem- A great mix of Head and Heart with a body to die for.
Tots- The baby, the blonde, the sweetheart, the pretty, the beautiful heart, the dumb ass nitwit that no one can not love.

To many more years of giggling, shopping and bacha stories. Love all 4 of you BOGOs.

Abhi tho maine jawaan hoon...

2008-11-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

..but I have to start planning my 40th. I trust no one but myself to make it perfect so why not spell it out.
1. I want all my boys drunk.
2. I want myself drunk.
3. I want music galore and the dance floor full of my boys drunk.
4. I wouldnt mind a couple of the girls drunk too ( you know who you are).
5. I want Flan and not cake with some rum.
6. I want the week and not just the day celebrated drunk.
7. I want to run on the beach in slow motion (maybe I should tape it and watch it on video, drunk).
8. I want it to go on until the day after to ease into reality.
9. I want laughter and drunken madness.
10. I want my chaddi dosts from Bombay here.

I better get on a strict diet starting now, to make it through that week. Strict liquid diet. Care to join me?

So Sick...

2008-04-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

As soon as I plant Spring flowers and tell the kids that we will have the best 17 days of spring break, they start sneezing and coughing. By the weekend they even manage to get a fever. They sleep and wake up at different times, making sure I wouldn’t get a minutes rest. They both want different things to eat, play, do and watch. Being the best mom in the world, I do it relentlessly, completely ignoring the fact that my own allergies had kicked in and I hadn’t slept in 3 nights. In fact I think Ekta Kapoor could even send some of her starlets over for training for her next serial called Kkkya Ma!!
To add to my misery, Mu-man decides to get the flu, hacks his lungs out and needs warm water every hour. The dutiful wife in me wakes up and sits holding his head in my lap through the night, making sure the water is no less than the recommended 150F deg. I make chicken soup from scratch (actually finding farm grown organic chicken), change his sheets to 100% linen ones in mute colors and get his favorite movies to watch in bed. Scene 1: Ekta Kapoor’s Kkyunki biwi bhi kabhi Ma banegi!!
I walk into the kitchen and hear a strange cough, one I have never heard before and lo and behold, the dad in law is now coughing, has a low grade fever and completely denies being sick. He insists that he had it 2 days ago and he is all good now. But this lil Ekta Kapoor’s cheli won’t give up so easily. I quickly don the only polyester sari I have, veil myself with the Pallu, carry ginger tea to his room and start called him “Babuji”. I make garam garam rotis and apki pasand ki phoolgobi ki sabji. I lovingly chide him about taking his medications and hear him tell the neighbors, “Yeh meri bahu nahi beti hai”.
Scene 1: Ekta Kapoor’s attempt at light hearted serial, Kkamaal ki bahu!!
The entire weekend I clean and dust and cook and try to be as cheerful as possible to make sure I spread joy and happiness to my loved ones, occasionally breaking into family oriented Hindi songs.
It is amazing how Mu-man, dad in law and the kids have the same exact dream every time they are sick. Maybe some day it will come true, but not today.

Meds for thought…..

2008-03-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

So, I am watching Lifetime-TV for Women and I realize that 90% of the advertisements are around different “diseases”. No, not the regular blood pressure, heart or diabetes kind, but the weird kind.
Here’s my conspiracy theory around it…
I don’t really think they are diseases; they are like some mad scientist's inventions. While creating meds in his garage or “lab”, he might have had a lot of leftovers that he may want to sell off. So he comes up with these ridiculous “diseases”.
Like use Mirapex for Restless Leg Syndrome. What the heck is that!! The body sleeps but the leg doesn’t?? Or Adult ADHD with the ad saying, “Do your thoughts wander when you are in a meeting?” HELLO!! We all do that. If you want to sell drugs for THAT, a mere pill wont do, make a shot for it and add it to the immunization list alongside DTP, Hep A and Vericella vaccines. My favorite is YAZ, the birth control pill that controls birth, stops periods, clears acne, stops bloating…my question to them is “Does it also make you a Male?”

I created my own with all this inspiration. The ad goes something like this…

1. Have you walked into the pantry and not known what you were looking for?
2. Do you sometimes think Bed, Bath and Beyond but say LinensNThings?
3. Do you ever have the urge to pee in the car when you are stuck in traffic for 45 mins. with no exit in sight? (With the after thought of taking the car to Cobblestone on your way home and getting it cleaned?)
4. Do you go on n off diets and exercise?

Don’t worry. About 97.89% of all Americans suffer from this disease called JPD (Just Plain Dumb). JPD can be treated with one pill taken once a week on Fridays called the GS (Get Some).
Side effects include:
-NSM (Need Some More)
-IP (Intense Pleasure)
-ASM (Awesome Saturday Mornings)
In some rare cases, your spouse may even make you breakfast in bed.
Please let you doctor know if you take any kind of cough and cold meds, Valium or high dose pain relief meds as this may lower the I-ty of your P (look within side effects) due to sleeping half way through. Please use responsibly.

In happiness and in wealth…

2007-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my chaddi dosts in Bombay...

I don’t know about you guys, but I know a few people that are museum material, classic samples that belong in a place dedicated to them. I love them for making my dull and boring life so exciting (also gives me a chance to laugh at them, definately not with them).
So I have known this lady for all my life. The typical stylish kind whose husband she boasts gets a promotion every month (man, wonder what Focal review system they have!!). Here’s a typical conversation and trust me we have had several of them.. with almost a déjà vu effect.

Kunu aunty: Hey Guddi, you know my sister’s daughter, Khitpit, she is getting married to Raja of Tikamgad next week.
Guddi (thinking): There is a Raja and there is a Tikamgad? I wonder if it is a station in central railway.
Guddi: O really, are you all going?
Kunu aunty: O yes, they have chartered a plane for all of us and they are giving Rolex watches to all who come.
Guddi (thinking): Can I come? I’m sure they wont notice one extra person.. I’m willing to settle for a Bulova too.

So, Kunu aunty, Posh uncle, Oki and Onti (one straight and one gay son) all go for the wedding, add 17 pounds each, give an alarm clock gift to the newly weds that they got free when they went for another such wedding of a not-so-rich relative (she just married the MP’s son).
BTW, everyone in the world knows Onti is gay but Kunu aunty insists that he has a string of girl friends (drag queens probably!)

Conversation after they return…
Kunu aunty: Guddi, you should see the boy. He is soo handsome, apna Amir Khan types. And so well mannered. They sent a Mercedes to our hotel room to pick us up. Our free loader son Onti took it and went for a nice long drive to Kulu Manali in it with a very good friend he made there .. the executive chef. We had so much fun.
Guddi (thinking): Hmm executive chef…That must have been spicy.
Guddi: Do you have any photos, aunty?
(Damn Damn Damn, I should know when to shut up but you learn only after you fall. So I paid for my sins of asking for the photos.)
Boy looked like Kishan Kumar and not Amir Khan. Girl looked like a frustrated whore who hasn’t had any customers in a verrry long time. (I could imagine the cobwebs too!) The best part was that that was the only picture of the couple. The rest of the 35 pics from the 36 print roll were:
Kunu aunty with Posh uncle,
Posh uncle with drunk lady,
Oki with Kunu aunty by the master bedroom statue,
Onti with executive chef behind the tandoor-though I think that photo wasn’t meant to be printed.. they still looked flushed,
Oki and Onti by ice sculpture… you get the pic.

OK. So now couple is living happily ever after and my aunt has 4 Rolex watches.
2 weeks later.
Kunuaunty: You know Khitpit is divorcing.
Guddi: Why?
Kunuaunty: My sister gave so much Dahej and that boy’s family was beating up Khitpit for more.
Guddi: But you said they were rich.
Kunuaunty: No re Guddi, it was all a lie.
Guddi: But you said Onti went for a drive in their Mercedes with executive chef.
Kunuaunty: No, No. There was no Mercedes.
Guddi (completely confused, thinking): So she is admitting she lied?
Guddi: So what is she going to do now?
Kunuaunty: We found a nice peon for her. She will move to Panvel. Money doesn’t matter re Guddi, happiness does.

So much for happiness. Are you returning the Rolex to buy some happiness for Khitpit, Kunu aunty??

Sweet friend

2007-02-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

About 6 years ago we met this guy. Obnoxious, loud, crude… in short everything I like in a guy. He impressed us big time.
The first time he talked to us, he called Mu-man a hatta-katta Punjabi and stroked the guy’s ego big time. He talked to me about the sandwich wala right out side Mithibai College who I miss the most on some days. After that it was a pattern…he would always talk about food. I thought he was hinting I was fat and didn’t know anything better anyway. But that didn’t seem like him. He ate like a King and praised like one too. Over the years that we have grown to know him better, we know the guy knows, lives, breathes and eats FOOD!!!
Here are a few things I partnered with him on
o Drooling over Jilebi rabdi ..yummm
o Coming up with the weirdest movies for VD-ya to act out during Dumb Charades (eg: Balathkaar)
o Planning the technicalities of getting all antibiotics and fever medication directly into our kitchen faucet since our kids fall sick all the time.
o Arguing about whose kid is dumber
o Dreaming about “masth me soneka, masth me khaneka, masth me vacation ko janeka”

AAAshay, Happy 40th, dost. May life be like an experience at a Bengali sweet store… where the hardest decision would be choosing between Rosshogulla or Mishti Doi…

And the answer is NOOO...

2007-01-18T13:21:00.001-07:00

And the answer is NO….

Top 10 One liners my gals have said in the past few years. For those of you who know them, try imagining their voices and the innocent tone…

10. “Ewww, my mom and dad have kissed like in movies”.
9. When I said I liked her flat tummy, she said, "Why? I like yours, it’s like pizza dough”.
8. When we taught them the official names of body parts they said, “Can we see yours?”
7. “I don’t like boys, wouldn’t it be cool if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys.” (actually, I don't care).
6. “Amma, I would like to get married but can we do something so I don’t have any kids?”
5. “When Sanj was born did you go to Dugan farm or Albertsons' to fill yourself up with milk?”
4. “Guys have a pipe in their butts to pee with”.
3. Looking down my shirt,” You have butt up here too?”
2. “Cows’ pee is called Milk!!”
1. Pointing at the Tampon dispensing machine in the women’s restroom, with a twinkle in her eye, "I know what that is… it’s what girls smoke, hiding in the bathroom.”

Wonders

2006-12-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

Wonders

OK. Forewarning: Short and senti
Why?: Tis the season???

There are several times I have screamed, threatened and EB’d my kids.. much like normal parents. And every time the thoughts running in my head were, “O, how can they not see that it’s good for them?” Or “How many times do I have to tell them?” Or “I did all this for them and look at the attitude”.

I walked home last week and both kids were not yet home from swim lessons. I put my bags down instantly, cleaned up the kitchen counters, put away their bags, threw the endless realms of paper they make their sketches on and tidied the whole place. That night when we were having our daily chat, I wanted to show them by setting an example of what it is to clean up after themselves.
Me: Did you have a long day at school today?
Shaant: Yes, I am tired. How about you, amma?
Me: Me too. I came home and cleaned up all the mess you guys made. Did you notice a clean home?
Shaant: No
Just when I felt bad and my mind went about creating one of those questions as usual, she said, “I was so happy when I saw your car in the garage. I didn't look at the house".

I hadn't seen that coming.

Sanj shared her chocolate with me today. I had definitely not seen that coming!!!

What I do see coming are ... the joys of motherhood.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa lalala la la la la la…..

My inventions

2006-12-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

My inventions:

I know most of us have inventions scrambling in our heads all the time (at least the normal ones like me do). We never end up going to the “patent”-ing office BUT cringe when we see it on TV being sold by screaming lunatics for 3 easy payments on $19.99 and that’s not all, if we call within the next 7.3 minutes, they offer a free pair of knives with it too. AAhh! It is soo frustrating.
So, I am taking this opportunity to list and document all of mine. If any of you see it on an infomercial on Saturday night coz no one invited you to a party so you are just sulking and channel-surfing, please feel free to call me and let me know so I can sue their chaddis off their butts. (BTW, I will be partying every Saturday night so call me on my cell.. which I may not answer coz I may be laughing at the party and may not be able to hear your call, so leave a message. Or call me on Sunday morning after 10 am, as I would be hung-over from Saturday night’s party).

1. Eco friendly magnets: So you attach 2 huge magnets the size of a pillow to the front and back of your car. The magnets come with a transmission device (just a big word that’s in every owner’s manual that Sandy reads out aloud). Mine is like a walkie-talkie. As you drive on the freeway, you Beep any other car (with the transmission device.. ok lets name it B142. It’s very important to name it with B because 1. It’s cool to confuse people and 2. People think there were “A 140” series and this is the latest and greatest).
Now you ask them through the B142 if you can join them for the next 5 miles. Then you Buzz (a button on the transmitter) and attach your car magnets to his, thus joining both cars. Now turn off your engine. And he drags you. You Un-Buzz (double click Buzz from before) when you want to take your exit. The most eco friendly way of saving gas. As an incentive to the “Draggers”, we give them $1 for every mile they drag you. As a “Dragee”, you just get dragged. What more do you want?
2. Back friendly washing machine: The machine is either in your closet or bathroom. I prefer bathroom. It has 2 bins, so you separate colors and whites. For those of you who do “greys” that’s an upgrade for the 3rd bin. So you throw your clothes in any one of the bins as you change/ take a shower (pre-sorting done). Over the week as soon as it fills up, the sensors detect the “fullness” and turn the machine on automatically. It washes and dries in the same bin. It folds and places itself into a built-in shelf (work pending on the “folding” part).
3. SUCKER: A built in vacuum cleaner. Every night the carpet starts sucking everything weighing less than 2 llbs. And its so user friendly, you get to set the time of the day!!! The chute is connected to the ocean directly. So no clogs, no bags. Better than Dyson. Also teaches kids to clean up toys before going to bed OR ELSE. heehahaaheeeha and husbands to pick up wet towels.
4. SUCKER II: You enter a booth kinda like a phone booth and the same philosophy as SUCKER takes place… only difference is it sucks the Fat off of you. You just enter in the amount or go by the default amount. In an upgraded version, you pick the body of a celebrity from Pam Anderson to Hritik Roshan and click the Big SUCK button. Procedure takes 10 minutes to 90 minutes depending on the amount of fat you have and time taken to actually fit in the booth. Now guys, it only sucks FAT. Do not misuse.

There, I got it all down now. WOW, I Rock! Now for the “how” part…..

The nail place

2006-11-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

The biggest luxury I let myself indulge in is getting my nails done every 3-4 weeks. I love beautiful hands...almost have a fetish for it. I started this about 2 years ago but now am not really sure what the real reason is for me to go there month after month (kinda like the "if-you-get-it-you-don’t-care-so- much-about-it-anymore" theory).
Maybe one of you can help me decide…

When I enter, I am greeted smile-lessly and the conversation begins….

Nail lady: Wo you won? (After 2 years of consistently hearing this, now I know she means, “What you want?”)
Us (my devilish alter-ego and me): Just a re-fill, please.
Nail lady: “Only re-phi? You Fee AAh Baaaaa. You Shu You No Won Pedi-Qua?” (Only refill? Your feet are bad. You sure you No want pedicure?)
As we resist the temptation to smack the person across the head, who thinks my feet are bad, we look her straight in the eyes with a smile and say, “ Nooo, too espensi”. She now knows to shut up or is too dumb to recognize the sarcasm.
Nail lady: Wo collo? (What Color?)
Us (by now she has really tickled Ms. Alter ego to the nth degree): “I don’t know, I am not sure”. And I pick 5 different colors and ask her to test each one of them on my nails.

She hates it.
I smile.

We sit. To my dismay, I notice almost everyone is thinner than me and the one right next to me is thin and pretty. I hate her instantly.

Nail lady: You have keees? (kids)
Us: Yup, 2 girls 5 and 6.
Silence for 5 minutes. They haven’t been taught anything else to ask.
Us: How about you?
Nail lady: Ya, but not in amelika.
Us: O sad.
Silence for another 5 minutes.
Now, we are getting restless. How can I shut up for so long? It’s a hard task. I have already talked to most of my girl friends and my boy friends are busy working. I get restless, so I decide to play pretend. I remember #4 on my speed dial who should be out of her office by now and with my luck will be stuck in traffic. Awesome.
I quickly hit #4.

#4: Hey
Me: Hey
Me: Did you like my book?
#4: What the heck are you talking about?
Me: I am getting my nails done. I am bored.
#4: Good lord, girl. Are you pretending?
Me: Ya. Baju wali sunn rahi hai (Person sitting next to me is listening to us)
(I whisper). And yes, you and your man are on my Acknowledgement list (a lil louder than normal).
#4: What did you write about?
Me: I don’t know. Don’t ask me stuff like that (again a whisper).
Me: (Loudly). They don’t tell you ahead of time if you will actually win the Pulitzer. Hahaha (fake laugh, mixed with a witches cackle)

By now the thin gorgeous lady is looking at me too. I gloat.
I have rubbed off on #4 well enough to make her cackle with me. But she has to go; she got off early from work today and is pulling into her driveway already.
Dang.
But I have hopes. I can get creative here. Maybe change my role.

I try #6 on speed dial.
#6: Kidhar hai tu? (Where are you?)
Me: Nails
#6: Ooh! Kaunsa Color? (Wo Collo or Go back to line 15!!!)
Me: Don’t know yet. Hee hee.
#6: Saala, Tu uss se abhi pachchees color lagvaegi na? (You will ask her to try out 25 different colors, right?)
Me: Hmmm. Maybe. Do you still have patients to see?
#6: No. I am leaving in 5. Are you done for the day?
Me: No, I have a patient with acute MI.
(For you confused souls, “acute MI” is a term I have heard repeatedly used by people in “ER” but have no clue what MI stands for).
#6: What??
Me: I have to go to Chandler Regional hospital and then Mercy Gilbert. They are prepping him now.
#6: Tu kisse bath kar rahi hai? (Who are you talking to?)
Me: Terese (You). But such is life.
I can’t control my laughter now.
Thin lady walks to wash her hands. I quickly whisper, “I am pretending to be a doc. Play with me.”
#6: Chup re. Mereko kaam hai. Bye. (Shut up, I have work to do)
Double dang …but my work was done. I didn’t know anymore medical lingo either.
I see thin gorgeous lady with perfect finger tips now smile at me. I smile back. We sit beside each other drying our nails.

Bombshell: Sorry, I couldn’t help over hear your conversations. You write and you are a doctor?
Me: Yup
Bombshell: What’s your book about?
Me: My nails are done. Why don’t you stop by at Barnes on Saturday for the book signing? You will be surprised.
I give a cool smile and I walk away highly satisfied.

Do I love my nails so much? or
Did I miss my calling as an actress??

Soulmates

2006-11-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

I don’t have a soul mate. I think the word is highly over rated. I have a soul though and it has different sections. Each has a special person tucked in there.
Amma and Papa laid the foundation to my being. Friends did the rest. If you haven’t guessed already, this is a special Ode to the people who have "made me"... (In random order)
To my Mu-Man: The only man who has loved me so deeply, it scares me often. The biggest pillar in my life. He raised me from a pup to bitch in 365 days!! I owe him so much. Thanks for putting up with me, G.
Taught me to dust myself and move on.
To An: My best friend in the worst profession. They say an apple a day….blah.. she is my apple and ironically a doc. How do I work this out now? Hmmmm. She gives it to me straight, puts me where I need to be and vents with me. I wouldn’t die without you, A, but would hate to hit #3 on my speed dial and not find you there.
Taught me everything mu-man couldn’t.
To Vik: He actually angers me...gets the worst out in me. I don’t know why he’s so special for sure but I think it’s mainly because I see him with his daughter and the look in his eyes is irreplaceable. Ya, I think I love him is coz he is such a great daddy. I laphz you, V-man.
Taught me how stupid and good looks go hand in hand, and good looks always wins.
To VD-ya: I love to hate her. She can drive you crazy in an instant, make you wonder if she really said that aloud but is the biggest sport ever. Her pool party gets called Dhool party because of a dust storm that showed up just as we were getting into the water. We tease her no end over and over again. The max we get back is a “SHUT UP”. Now that I think of it, Vd-ya should be ranked first as she christened me YO!!! Actually created my character..SUCK IT UP, girl.
Taught me that its ok to be silly sometimes.
To Sigh-man: I have to warn you, I can go on and on about my Sigh man. He is the epitome of coolness. Hardly anything bothers him (though I have seen him “bothered” when he gets disturbed watching TV!!!)
I would love to be born to him. There are times when I call him and talk to him when I am stressed out without needing to mention anything. Talking to him calms me. “Its ok, da” makes my day.
Taught me to let go.
To Sandy: Oh the crimes I would not have committed (at least in my head) if it weren’t for this girl. She fans the fire in me.. by giggling. And man o man that instigates me like nobody’s business. The best researcher in the world, fixes things like a guy and also knows to read owners manuals for thermostats!!! (no GUY can do it but Apna sandy can!!!) Viva Las Vegas Baby!!
Taught me that all I need is a stroke in the right direction to get my meanness going wild.
To Nadu: Tirupathi, hey. My morning coffee. Head on her shoulders, the smartest thing Vik ever did. And I mean literally. :) She has stories every single day. All about the stupid people she attracts and the stupid things they say to her.
Taught me to laugh at life.
To Ruh-eeeev: Hanging out with him, made me actually not dislike the smell of cigar smoke (now it feels like home, where I am among loved ones :)… sad, huh?). Hooked me on to a whole bunch of “vices”.
Taught me that when life gives me lemons, get a tequila shot , make a margarita and invite him.

Thanks to all of you, really. For picking me up when I crumbled, being there when I needed you and didn’t need you, showing up on my doorstep at 10 pm believing I loved you , buying cul-de-sacs, going over craigslist to find me a treadmill and last but not the least, renting homes in rocky point year after year!!!! ummmmmma